Last Day of the Year...

Oh manz... the last day of the year had just slipped by without me noticing... guess that I was too engrossed in the work of editing the photos.. finding a good gallery and uploading them. Duhz! What to say to a greenhorn in digi camera stuffs..? Nevertheless, I am proud of the first photo gallery I had created...

Here's a link to my photo gallery: http://www.picturetrail.com/nice9al

But to my dismay... the photo gallery that I had signed up is only a free trial for 30 days...

The PRC camp... ( 28/29th Dec)

Headed school, after an hour of sleep, to participate in the PRC camp. This is the first time I'm in such a camp, though they had a similar camp last year. Last year, I was too busy with the Music Ministry Pantomime that I missed the PRC camp and hence missed the chance to make friends with the last year PRCs... that is also why I'm kinda anticipating this coming camp.

The camp was fun.. i would say that it was very fun.. so fun that I'd kinda have a "hangover" after that. Well, since Ray had made it clear that we are purely to make friends with the PRCs, I had kinda give it all in enjoying myself and establishing friendship in the hope that I might one day have a chance to tell them the gospel.

This was one good camp, indeed, that I no need to think of what to do and just follow the program. This was one good camp that the people are so friendly and the ice is easy to break. This is one good camp to see shy people evenually opening up to one another...

However, how good a camp it may be.. without any following up, it will just be another empty fun! Really hope that I would have the wisdom, the initative... and the courage to follow up with them. Pray that they too will one day accept Jesus as Lord and Savior...

Pre- PRC camp...

Gotta an orientation camp on the 28th and 29th of Dec... meeting supervisor on the 30th Dec! Diez!! Haven't been doing my FYP since Christmas Eve and arggg... and no time to do the FYP for the next 2 dayz... so how...? no need to sleep liaoz lahz.. and duhz still have to prepare for the camp!

Christmas isn't christmas...

After so much that had happened, i thought i would be melancholy till the end of the year... Things kinda turned well on thurs... finally have more confidence in my FYP... finally made up my mind and was firm of it. So was kinda relieved after.

But this incident had kinda make me grown in knowing Christ... hence I lamented when I see that Christmas had became a season of shopping and feast and party @ orchard where the local churches put up one performance after another.. All people at Orchard... Christians or not are celebrating Christmas.. are clapping, dancing and rejoicing for the peace we have with one another. That's our society now... as long as we are in peace with one another.. have fun together, it doesn't matter of what you think or say or believe...

So, nobody had paused to think of Jesus.. the Christ... the King that one day will come and judge. If we really think... i guess we will not be rejoicing but repenting and crying out for mercy together. This will then lead to true joy... the joy of knowing that our sins can be forgiven because while we were still evil and helpless, sinful and alienated from God, Christ died for us... on our behalf, he had drank the cup of wrath deserve for us. Hence, really hope that all people, whilst celebrating, may experience this true joy... this true gift of grace and mercy.

Many things had happened...

Have not been blogging for 2 weeks... actually for 2 weeks.. many things happened.. many emotions... many thoughts... many things that i want to say it out.. yet many things to hide.. many things I had learnt.. on the other hand, many things i am unsured... many things that are confused... many things that i am inconfident in doing... many things that weighed me down..

I can't find time to blog them... and I can't find any words to pen down the thoughts and the feelings in me... I even tried to think of Chinese words... but what i can think of is 难以形容.... the more i tried to think... the more 辛苦 i am... like there is something very heavy in my heart...

Running away could be a good way... i realise i wanted to run away from many things but i know i can't... and i shouldn't.. but still i see me running... running away from my FYP project... from the FES matter... from church... from friends... from myself...

yes.. I am weak... I can't make firm decision.. I can't be sure of my project... I can't voice out the wrongs that I see... I can't understand many things... i can't stop thinking of evil... i am a sinner... yes i am a sinner.. and no one... no one except God can save... This is the only thing that i am sure of...

Hence, I dun need sympathy... because we are all in the same plight... Rather, teach me the word of God.. the power of salvation... help me to consider Christ... so that i can have my confidence in the Lord and not in my flesh... so that i may have the wisdom to deal with issues whilst still in the "now and not yet" .. I want to continue in learning God's Word.

Sis told Dad that She wants to be a Christian...

Came back home from school... after a long thoughts on the bus about Christian Ministry and about Christian Living esp in family issues and ministry issue... i concluded when i alighted that i am still unsure... unsure of when to be respectful to parents and when to stand up for faith... what does it mean to be lovingly... what is consider as rebellious? I had decided that i have to ask people...

When I opened the door, as I reached home, I overheard immediately the conversation between my Dad and sis. My sister is telling dad that she wanna be a Christian. My first thought... what shall I do?... what shall i do when i had just concluded that i have to ask people about family issues...? shall i chip into their conversation...? Would I become impatient and start to barl out at dad...? I decided to 逃避...

I turned on my pc... start calling janice.. msn people to talk..

after talking to janice... i did what she suggested. I sat beside my sister and just listened.. self control... self control.. prayed.. self control..

I guess my sister was indeed good in being calm.. or I guess that it's me that was hotheaded. Their conversation, unlike mine, didn't ended with quarrel and tears. My dad made his stand.. he said that he would not interfer any of my sis's decisions when she reached 21. I laughed in my heart... sis is turning 21 in 3 months time.. so i told my sis tt it's a good deal. That's kinda end the conversation.

I asked her how is she feeling after the talk.. she mentioned that she felt happy.. cuz she knows ,at last, what's dad's thinking. I always know dad's thought.. but i'm never felt happy for that... for i see it as sin.. utterly sinful... trying to find excuses for his pride.. for hating Christianity.

Nevertheless, felt relieved after the whole epsoide.

Supper at Wee Seng's house...

Whenever i heard Ann said that they had supper at wee seng's place, how i wish i was there... being in the fellowship... to talk about current issues ... be encouraged from the bible point of view... and to learn from one another...!

Today is the first time i had supper in wee seng's place... as i'd anticipated, it is encouraging... we talk about some ministry matters.. some case studies... etc! Nothing especially new... but bringing it up again certainly sharpen my thinking in many ways.

I can't sleep the whole night after that... juggling the many thoughts i have... and gotten myself tired out and knotty as the night gets deeper. Well.. i can only conclude that thinking stuff at night is not really helpful... at least it's true for me... my thoughts seems to crystallize as the day breaks...

Bible Study... Bible Shopping...

Met Mabel to study bible today at funan... she is the second person that i'd done bible study with in a fast food restaurant. Not a conducive place i know... but well I can't think of anywhere better outside school. Like sixian, she seemed to understand fast for the first study. Now after the study... can only pray and hope that she (and also me) can persevere well in reading the bible in context and being faithful.

After then, go bible shopping with my sis... yes! she had received Christ! She mentioned that she would like to attend a church and wanted to get a bible for herself. Hallelujia for that! I was happy... overjoyed! then lost... so what am I to do next? shall I bring her to church? or shall i let her to decide on her own? ( she mention that she would like to look around on her own ) shall i do bs with her... or shall i just leave it to the church to do it? How about Dad..? will he erupt into great anger when he knew abt this...?

Well... despite the many concerns... the joy is still inexpressible!

Damping Monday...

Gotta up early to go to school to meet my new FYP supervisor.. was late.. so i called to apologised! Prof Chan was kind enough to postpone the meeting to the afternoon. This gave me a break to do some shopping therapy at Jurong Point.

Then went to school.. saw Jeremy and DanDan, as usual, they were having their lunch at canteen A... try to make a card for tree, but made a mess in the end... felt sad while trying to undo the mess!

Met the supervisor then, after borrowing laptop from YongJie, she is a nice lady... but stern when it comes to work. She warned me of my slow progress. i felt embarrassed for not doing anything during the first semster now... really!

Try to do something for the FYP in library.. ended up continuing the mess of making tree's card. Then went for Music Ministry Practice. I was too early, so watch ppl play badminton... memories came back...

Practice was bad... I'd kinda angry with myself for unable to sing it well.. everybody seemed laid back.. late comers, early goers, Ray didnt come for practice, Sharon just chip in like this... AArrrggg... stressed + disappointment... tired !

So the day ended with such a feeling, and i carried this feeling to meet tree.. to pass her the card. It rained.. making my mood damper.. but when tree received the simple card and said how much she loved it.. manz.. that brightened me a lot!

Thanks tree... and may the Lord our Lord Jesus bless you and keep you. May you be able to learn and trust God more as you now serve at Doulos! All the best!!

Brought sis to ARPC...

i realised that i had not been talking to my sister for one week liaoz... we were all busy with our own stuffs - I had camp and FYP in school and she had her part time job. It feels so funny when i do care for her and wanted to talk to her but there is nothing to say to her... and worse i'm indifferent when she talked to me. Preharps this is what they mean that we always hurt the people who is most close to us... or is it just me... the sinner me!?

Nevertheless, I tried to catch her today... cuz it's Saturday... she worked half day! I invited her to hear with me an online sermon from ARPC. She enjoyed the sermon, as I had expected. So then i asked her if she would like to attend today's service at ARPC... since they will begin a series of evangelical Christmas talks today with John Chapman to start the ball rolling. She agreed.

John Chapman had delivered a very faithful message about Jesus... about how from His birth, death and resurrection show forth that He is the Son of God and the King of all. I kept looking at my sis during the service.. hoping that she could be convicted. She is, as what John C. had said, the person who knows the information, but have not move to the light side... Notwithstanding, she seem haven't been so at the end of the service... she had enjoyed herself she said.

KTV です... と BBQ

Finally, today... i'd gonna KTV after such a long time. It is kinda fresh to me cuz the KTV khakis today is so different.. we have Pohlin, Grace, Tree and Yongzhi.. no Charmain, Eunice and Guofeng... geez KTV without charmain is quite different sia cuz no one to sing Sammi's Cantonese songs with me... hee, nevertheless that was still a very enjoyable KTVing...

After that, mi went for the BBQ gathering at Huan Yang's house. We were celebrating the completion of the PDL's first series... duhz... anyway... glad to see some new faces and some familiar ones there... have had good food and fun...

Music Minstry Training Camp...

very very tired now... have been singing for more than 10 hours per day for the past 2 days... and I have one more day to go... and this is the first time that i have to learn to sing in both soprano and alto voice for all songzz... sigh.. no choice ahzz... got not much singers... nevertheless... guess the training is essential ahz.. since we had gotta some place to sing out the gospel to those whom the gospel is needed to be heard. That's the motivation for me to go on now...

To Johore with Sis and Mum...

yeah.. my very once in a blue moon outing with my mum...! This trip was well planned by my sister way before the start of the exam, nevertheless, i guess i had kinda made her upset sia... because i wasn't feeling well during the trip so wasn't seem to enjoy myself during the trip... or is it that i wasn't used to going out with mum. Anyway... i was quite glad and relieved to see and know that my mum enjoyed the trip very much...

Retreat at Wee Seng's place...

Finally the decision was made.. seem that all of us were on the same side of the fence... which is good . I had kinda made up my mind yesterday.. before the retreat, that's why I am very quiet today... i need to reason out my emotions, cause even when I had made the decision... I still feel emotional abt it... 怎么说.. it's a place where I had known so many people that i liked... a place where i had grown...
Well... that's just my emotional side... but I am firm about my decision because that is something that I know it is bibical and godly... furthermore I know that God, despite of anything, will sustain His ministry... and we shall be thankful that we have a part in His ministry.

Granny's Birthday...

Yes.. yesterday was my granny's birthday. It was one of the annual event that the whole family will come.. and talk to talk to one another while the kids run around the small flat, making noise. Well, what a blissful scene... because it's 三代同堂 watz... oh no no.. it's 四代.. four generations... i gotta nieces and nephews already.. haiz. However, I don't like this, 'cause the talks are shallow and the concerns are superficial, nobody really care for one another... worst not even to the birthday gal. My cousin actually scold my granny when she blocked her view whilst watching TV... what the @$!%&#
One other thing that saddened me is the fact that some of my cousins were quite disturbed that I am a Christian... and I find it hard... really hard to talk to them abt Christ... when we never have in depth relationship with one another.. and worse, i am prejudice towards them...

Meeting my FYP supervisor...

I was kinda trembling with fear when i saw my supervisor yesterday while i was in the canteen... was afraid to face him.. because I have NOT done anything for the FYP yet... I hate to say, but i cowardly leave the place as soon as possible. As I was on my way home, my supervisor called me... asking me to meet him today. The whole night... i was anxious. I was thinking of what to say to him the next day... ... should i find some excuses, or should i be honest? As I was battling with these, i realized how weak i am.. how iniquitous i am to want to hide my shame with excuses....

So in the end, I told Prof Andreas, this morning, that I have not done anything at all for the FYP. I thought he will give me a good scold, but he didn't. Nevertheless, I still feel bad for not doing anything yet, even though I was quite relief that he didn't disapprove me.

Examzzz is Over...!!

What a long time since I last entered an entry! Well well... due to one main factor: EXAMS... one sub factor: MODEM spoiled... i had not been updating the blog for 3 weeks...
But anyway, usually nothing interesting could happen to me during exam period... and normally during these times... i would be at home munching my lecture notes... haiz boring sia!

so here... a bit update of what had i been doing for the past 3 weeks:
- most of e time study... when mind drift away... study bible, draw anime, sing songs, see mirror...
- eat...
- watch TV..
- sleep..
- attend cell..
- sing KTV at home.. to destress
- watch anime..
- in school taking examz.. studying with frens after that..

そですしょ... geez .. むずがしですね (boring desune)... that's why am looking forward to the interesting holidayzzz です...!! KTV ですか?

Making a scene...

Attended cell today, after my school. For the first time, I will be doing the 40 days PDL series. Very uncomfortable with this unfaithful material... and plus my healing emotion... I made a scene during the cell. I have to apologise that I didn't control myself well... but seeing the people there... one opinion after another without looking into the bible... made me distressed.. lamented.
I barge out in the end the harsh message of the gospel uncontrollably... that we all deserved death if God is to be fair... but God in His mercy, saved us.

Talk to Huan Yang and Sixian after the cell... it's not going anywhere, because we are just stating our POV without looking into the bible. I did warn and mention that PDL is not a good material to use, because of the way it present its study is exactly embracing our Enemy, who has disguised itself into Experiences in this post modernism age. PDL's intention is good as I had agreed with that Huan Yang that we are to glorify God, but the way the study goes seem to glorify ourselves more. Do note that I am making this comment after I had scanned through the material and that I had attended the cell today.

Was very upset in the end after the talk... my mind was thinking.. wondering why God's ministry is always facing so many adversities... why many, throughout Man's history, are not evangelical? But I thank God the faithful ones... and I pray that you too are the faithful one.

Tidying up the emotions...

Have been thinking too much these few days... gotta myself trapped in this mess of thoughts... making myself depressed and dependent on myself...

What a wretched person I am... how can I have forgotten that I am dead to sin, alive to God in Christ Jesus? Why do I allow myself to be cooped up with my own stupid stuffs, when there is a much serious thing happening now to God's ministry?

I wanted to fight on..!! I wanted to be the good soldier of Christ Jesus, an athlete that run to get the prize, and a hardworking farmer waiting for the first crop.... May I be able to flee from the youthful desires and sins... may I consider Christ.

I am picking myself up now(with help from friends), so, do not come and ask me what happened to me... I DO NOT wish to arouse MY emotions again... my sins anymore. Talk Christ to me.. remind me to live a godly life, for Christ had set us free to righteous living.

The Game Demo...

Yesterday was the game demo presentation... I managed to come out with a game, but I wasn't happy. I was afraid... very frightened. Of what? I was not sure of myself too... Maybe I'm worried of how to face my partner or wondered what to say later during the demo...
I was so emotional that I broke into tears on the bus to school and when I saw yongjie and his group. I was and am so thankful that he and his friends were there to support and helping me to stabilize whilst i'm waiting for my turn to present.The presentation went well. Alvin said that I'm very vocal. Thank you... but i know I am very nevous... putting a strong front then... acting happy...
I dun even know what am I saying.. that's y i feel so bad after commenting yongjie's laptop when he lent me then -- I wasn't thinking then manz.. when his computer hanged during the demo... I was so nevous that I just barge out "oh lousy pc" and just ended the demo abruptly.

Now... now... today, I'm still restless. Still depressed over Saturday's issue. Very regretted. My mind kept flashing the game demo... the sms. I starts to loathe myself. Oh Lord, help me to consider You.