Friday, September 30, 2005

I am a computer engineer..?

"So this is what you have been doing for the whole day ah..? Whey.. computer engin your logic ah? So when can u finish this? .. what tml? so what shall i do now..?"

"....... ok ok.. i will try to be faster"

I am a computer engineer or rather i am known as a computer engineer.. Am i supposed to be able to program fast..? so am i suppose to know why my colleagues' program doesn't work? my logic should be flawless..? am i supposed to be damned smart? why can't I come out with a perfect logic for the GUI? Why am i so slow? I had spent 2 long days working on a simple gui yet it's still gotta bugs... I hate this.... I hate that i am not bright.. i hate that i can't accomplished the things i wanted to do. why am i not thinking faster..? why don't i have more self confidence..? Like what Guofeng had mentioned in his blog too, these research ppl in school
are damned smart.. fast and hardworking.. it just makes me felt inadequated...

I wanted to progress... to become smarter and faster. With this running in my mind while the service is going on, the msg banged a bit hard onto me... especially when Pastor chris cited the example of globalisation; it dawned upon me of how foolish i am to be lured into the business of self-progression... why do i have so much expectations on myself.. this is so foolish?

It was so kind of peixin and jianlong to stay back to talk to me after the service, though they had allowed me to release my frustration but my expectations were still there.. their expectations were still there.. monday will still be coming...

arrggg... stop thinking this way, gal!!!!

Thursday, September 29, 2005

About death...

I always thought that I'll not be afraid to die. For I know in certainty that dying will be better than living since then we will sin no more, and more importantly, we will be with Christ our LORD. ( However, the flip side of the coin is true too, as to live is for Christ... we live to encourage one another in Christ by staying alive, and to do the gospel work upon knowing mercy and knowing that time is short.)

To live is for Christ, to die is gain. That's why i thought that dying is not that frightening. But today.. my mind runs too wild a bit while on train to work. I thought that I am going to die.. and that thought actually causes me to tremble. The thought of me blowing up into many pieces of meat is just too horrible that I don't want to die. I tried then to rationalise that I am just afraid of the pain, or that i dun wished to die uglily.. but still, as the imagination continued, it uncovered my fear to suffer, especially physically. Now I really wonder what would I do if some terrorists come by with a knife and ask me denounce my faith? What if they threaten to saw off my head, or even rape me? Will I still be able to stand firm?

I dare not think further.. so i prayed dreadfully that the peace and harmony on this island may continue before I begin my day of work.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Time is short...

(reflection from the study of Revelation 12)
Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say:
"Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God,
and the authority of his Christ.
For the accuser of our brothers,
who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down.
They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony;
they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death.
Therefore rejoice, you heavens and you who dwell in them!
But woe to the earth and the sea, because the devil has gone down to you!
He is filled with fury, because he knows that his time is short."

Satan was defeated. He was crushed by the Lamb; and so we who believed the Lamb had, or rather, have victory. Ashamed I am, to live a life as if Satan was not defeated. Yes, there are still disasters and diseases going around, wars and strife too.. and true, people are still hurting one another deliberately or not.. and yes, I do still sin..and thus being 'accused'.. but is this going to continue forever?... Sometimes, i just feel that i or the world can't do anything...Will this world continue in this bad state? No.. The time is short. The time where the world is messed up by Satan, one way or another, is short. Satan knows it.. he knows that his time is short, so he is working hard to create havoc, deceiving people and drawing people away from God. Satan is doing his work.. because he knew his time is short. How about us , the ones who know that the time is short too? -_-

Happy Birthday.. Yifen!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

No life...

If you have been reading my blog for a long time, you might had concluded that this blog wasn't that interesting to read but the reason you continued was because I am your friend or probably you think that I am cute and wanted to know me better... =p But the more you know about me, the more you will see that i am a boring soul.. My life just circled around my work, my family, my Christian walk and activities - I go to work every weekday from 9 to 6 then Mon night goes to bible study, tues goes to DG, Wed home, Thurs CGLG, Friday Church, Sat shopping with my sis, Sunday tuition. I don't have an exciting night life cuz I dun club. I don't have a boyfriend and I don't have other exciting activities nor do I go for any spa, kick boxing, nail polishing, movie every month or short overseas trips etc... My pastimes? read blogs, watch anime, sleep, guitar. Boring?

I'm not sure about you, but when I told this to Sandra this afternoon, while she met me up for a following up session for her Bel'Air thingy, she concluded "Wah, you gotta no life, gal." I think she just can't believed that I spent almost all my nights doing bible study. She continued, "dun you wanna a boyfriend? dun you wanna to do some stuffs that you like...? blah blah blah... " Then she offered her Bel'Air thingy again, saying that it could free up more time for me to do the things i like.

I didnt argue with her much, in fact I felt indifferent to her response. Because I do admit that I have no exciting life.. since i see myself having an eternal life; and this eternal life is so overwhelming that I dun feel regret of not having a more exciting life. However, I guessed it is still not good for me to keep hearing ppl around me commenting that I gotta no life. =S.. i do feel a bit shaken now.. and probably a bit leftout, especially, when more than 2 ppl inscribed the same comment to me. Well... may my sinful nature be put off while I remember things on heaven now.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Bible Study Retreat...

I took a leave yesterday to go to the retreat organized by yongjie and ray for the 'friend-friend bible study group". What can I said, it was such a great retreat, especially at this time when i was battling the greedy monster... It provided me a time out to refresh my mind so that it can be set on the things in heaven. Yongjie and ray went through "God's Big picture" during the retreat, it reminded me of the things that God had been doing since the beginning of man's history, and the things He is going to do in man's future, and how we are in the plan of His, and how we are involved in the plan God has for mankind. This reminded me greatly, and then how ashamed I was to realize that I wasn't actively thinking of the things God had revealed, whereas I was looking into satisfying my own needs on my own... Oh God, how i hope i could be reminded of the things in heaven often manz.. =s

Monday, September 12, 2005

Greed unleashed...

This started when I agreed to go with Sandra to her company to play the 'Cashflow' game 2 weeks ago. And for the past two weeks, there was a constant battle in my mind.. tormenting me.

One side of me cried out, " you need money! and the job is not paying you enough... If you want to have control of your time.. if you want early retirement.. this is not enough. You see the people around.. they can earn 5-digit salary a month.. and you can too. With a stable passive income, you can soon stop working and work on the things that you wished to do... "

And the other side said... "Are you sure that this is right in the eye of God? Do you truly trust that God provides? You knew it well that money is not everything and the purpose of you living and working is not to earn money.. you know it well that you do not need to worry about money, since money or anything else is given by God for you to be a good steward of.. then why are you thinking of 'earning enough'? And do you know that (in fact i think you had realised it too) that once you have more, you will spend more, and become more proud of yourself and less dependent on God…"

I can't then come to a conclusion..

I never expected that i will struggle that hard in the issue of money. Probably, this struggle came about since i'd just started to earn money now. Suddenly, I am spending my own money, and suddenly i am independent, in a way. Or probably, I am always suppressing the greed... and somehow, Sandra woke up the 'sleeping' sinful nature of me. But the solution she provided was so far the same as what given by my parents... "Earn as much as you can!!"

Then, she offered a network marketing business to me. It's easy money and I had to admit that I was tempted... But I was reluctant to join her, because I dun have the capital.. and I was always skeptical towards the network marketing. But the aftermath effect of waking up the greedy monster still lingers… and even right now, I am still unsure where is the place of money in godly living or what should I do or how should think when battling this greedy monster.. ?.. Duhz! Can I choose the easy way to think.. just hope that Christ comes back and do nothing?.. maybe I should get someone to talk to soon..

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Koran and Bible...

It was kind of unexpected, but cool, that I could had a nice chat with a Malay colleague of mine today.. This was something that I hope that it could happen more often, so that the r'ship that i had with the people in the lab will not just be constrained to work and other superficial stuffs. Nonetheless, the conversation also led to a discussion of our religion. And well again.. =(.. i was dumbfounded. Felt a bit useless that i didn't 'God-talk' well.

He mentioned that the root of Christainity, Islam and Jewish religion is the same, just that Christianity's Scriptures were diluted because of the 'dual authorship' whereas the Islamic writings are more convincing as it is word for word. Moreover, he could not accept that God is one yet three, so I told him that the trinity of God was being revealed in the bible rather than taught... but guess that doesn't help him much since he already see that the bible is not creditable. Anyway, I thought that the conversation was good though, for it had made me wanna know my stuff more.