Friday, September 30, 2005

I am a computer engineer..?

"So this is what you have been doing for the whole day ah..? Whey.. computer engin your logic ah? So when can u finish this? .. what tml? so what shall i do now..?"

"....... ok ok.. i will try to be faster"

I am a computer engineer or rather i am known as a computer engineer.. Am i supposed to be able to program fast..? so am i suppose to know why my colleagues' program doesn't work? my logic should be flawless..? am i supposed to be damned smart? why can't I come out with a perfect logic for the GUI? Why am i so slow? I had spent 2 long days working on a simple gui yet it's still gotta bugs... I hate this.... I hate that i am not bright.. i hate that i can't accomplished the things i wanted to do. why am i not thinking faster..? why don't i have more self confidence..? Like what Guofeng had mentioned in his blog too, these research ppl in school
are damned smart.. fast and hardworking.. it just makes me felt inadequated...

I wanted to progress... to become smarter and faster. With this running in my mind while the service is going on, the msg banged a bit hard onto me... especially when Pastor chris cited the example of globalisation; it dawned upon me of how foolish i am to be lured into the business of self-progression... why do i have so much expectations on myself.. this is so foolish?

It was so kind of peixin and jianlong to stay back to talk to me after the service, though they had allowed me to release my frustration but my expectations were still there.. their expectations were still there.. monday will still be coming...

arrggg... stop thinking this way, gal!!!!


taiyongchieh said...

hangin' there

hamster said...

I forgot to mention earlier.

One of the reasons why you employ others is to fill up a missing space in the office, a missing role.

Obviously they want someone to fill the role which they cannot match themselves - could be due to their lack of time, too many projects, or... they can't do it themselves. When the last is the case, they can either slam you down so they can feel better about being lousy, or they can tell you they need a job done by when.

Just another thought for you to digest...

GunBlad3 said...

Expecting the computer engineer to know EVERYTHING PERFECTLY about computers is just like expecting a general practitioner (doctor) to know the human body to the point that he could possibly create a human himself.

Probably one thing we can keep in mind when people talk like that to us, and also when we're tempted to do likewise to others.

Hang in there~

IBM T21 said...

Hihi, was bored at work, falling asleep (yesh, so early in e day and so near lunchtime too) suddenly remembered a long time ago, you wrote the URL to your blog in my diary. So I decided to drop by. Lotsa thoughts here, just want to tell you we'll always be assailed by feelings, thoughts of inadequacies/inferiority. 2 things (i feel) (i) the world is never fair (ii) Col 3:17