Saturday, October 23, 2004

Making a scene...

Attended cell today, after my school. For the first time, I will be doing the 40 days PDL series. Very uncomfortable with this unfaithful material... and plus my healing emotion... I made a scene during the cell. I have to apologise that I didn't control myself well... but seeing the people there... one opinion after another without looking into the bible... made me distressed.. lamented.
I barge out in the end the harsh message of the gospel uncontrollably... that we all deserved death if God is to be fair... but God in His mercy, saved us.

Talk to Huan Yang and Sixian after the cell... it's not going anywhere, because we are just stating our POV without looking into the bible. I did warn and mention that PDL is not a good material to use, because of the way it present its study is exactly embracing our Enemy, who has disguised itself into Experiences in this post modernism age. PDL's intention is good as I had agreed with that Huan Yang that we are to glorify God, but the way the study goes seem to glorify ourselves more. Do note that I am making this comment after I had scanned through the material and that I had attended the cell today.

Was very upset in the end after the talk... my mind was thinking.. wondering why God's ministry is always facing so many adversities... why many, throughout Man's history, are not evangelical? But I thank God the faithful ones... and I pray that you too are the faithful one.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Tidying up the emotions...

Have been thinking too much these few days... gotta myself trapped in this mess of thoughts... making myself depressed and dependent on myself...

What a wretched person I am... how can I have forgotten that I am dead to sin, alive to God in Christ Jesus? Why do I allow myself to be cooped up with my own stupid stuffs, when there is a much serious thing happening now to God's ministry?

I wanted to fight on..!! I wanted to be the good soldier of Christ Jesus, an athlete that run to get the prize, and a hardworking farmer waiting for the first crop.... May I be able to flee from the youthful desires and sins... may I consider Christ.

I am picking myself up now(with help from friends), so, do not come and ask me what happened to me... I DO NOT wish to arouse MY emotions again... my sins anymore. Talk Christ to me.. remind me to live a godly life, for Christ had set us free to righteous living.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

The Game Demo...

Yesterday was the game demo presentation... I managed to come out with a game, but I wasn't happy. I was afraid... very frightened. Of what? I was not sure of myself too... Maybe I'm worried of how to face my partner or wondered what to say later during the demo...
I was so emotional that I broke into tears on the bus to school and when I saw yongjie and his group. I was and am so thankful that he and his friends were there to support and helping me to stabilize whilst i'm waiting for my turn to present.The presentation went well. Alvin said that I'm very vocal. Thank you... but i know I am very nevous... putting a strong front then... acting happy...
I dun even know what am I saying.. that's y i feel so bad after commenting yongjie's laptop when he lent me then -- I wasn't thinking then manz.. when his computer hanged during the demo... I was so nevous that I just barge out "oh lousy pc" and just ended the demo abruptly.

Now... now... today, I'm still restless. Still depressed over Saturday's issue. Very regretted. My mind kept flashing the game demo... the sms. I starts to loathe myself. Oh Lord, help me to consider You.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

You are so irresponsible...

I received 3 sms from the same person... each word I read cut deep... every word are resentful. My hands can't stop shivering... my mind was blank... tears uncontrollably fell.. heart's beating fast. I am hurted... very much... this is a very first time I'd received an angry comment.

Maybe he was right to be annoyed, but I don't see it as my fault. I wasn't not doing anything like what he said, in fact I have not been sleeping and have been toiling on and worrying about the game demo everyday. I have came out with the maze and the code to print, working halfway for the explosion effect... and trying hard to combine his code, which i can't even run, with mine...
I am not uninterested in the project... I really like Computer Game Programming, I just find it very tedious. In fact this is one of the projects in my entire NTU life that I'm so involved in... that I'd skipped so many lectures this semster for it.

So, I find it very unfair to say that I am not doing anything... that I am irresponsible and unreliable... that I'd gave him a false impression... that I am being unfair to him...

I sent him 6 sms to clarify... to say sorry for the distress I'd caused. I have to admit that I was to blame for not updating him and wasn't punctual in giving him my code... my reason is I wanted to finish my stuff, nice and presentable, to him. Yes, I am a perfectionist, so I really think that the things he had came out wasn't nice, though he was fast. Because he was fast, he seemed to have done many things, this will shame me if I handed him an incompleted code... I do not want to deny the work he'd done, so I suggested to 拆伙... if it would be fair to him.

This incident ended up with a break-up... we will do different game demo on our own. Which mean now, I only have 2 days to come out with a game with whatever I have...

[written on 19 Oct because was too occupied with work! sianz haven'tblog about bday yet =( ]

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Sign Up for NTUCF Annual Camp...

A very nice banner and website done by barnabas for our CF annual Camp.
Please click here for more information... and also to sign up for the camp.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Mawkish Stuff From Sis...

Dad woke me up this morning, "Qing..Wake up, sis had prepared the breakfast for you liaoz!" I dragged my half awaken body down the bed and headed to the toilet to wash up, before i sat at the dinning table. So this was my breakfast :

"So what is this?", I asked.
"You guess!" said my sis.
"Bread Crumbs? 面包皮?... why do you cut it into small pieces?" ( I was thinking how pathetic is my breakfast today.. only a few strips of bread skin)
"Can't you see?"
"See what?"
"The words.."
"No.. what words?"
"why don't you stand up and see.."
" erm... ok I see some letters... but I can't understand what you are trying to say... ya, I see 'H', 'A', 'D' and an 'E'... 'had eay'... ? "
" No.. It's "HAPI BDAY" lahz... #@%$!"
"Ohz... is it? but this looks like 'E' to me watz... anyway why hapi bday? today's not friday right?"
" it's ur lunar birthday today !!!"
"oic.. hee ok.. thanks! ... So, then what's the 2 toys here for..?"
"for decoration duh!!!"
Oh... My sis is so sweet...

Monday, October 11, 2004

A Song Composed...

God has good news to spread
It is one that would save
His mercy pour out on sinners who
Would repent and believe

Not in the idols, believe not the signs
Believe not even in yourself
But hear of the message brought by the one
Who risen up on the third day

In view of God’s mercy
Jesus died for all sin
This is God redeeming man,
When Jesus overcomes death

Not in the idols, trust not in the signs
Trust not even in yourself
But trust of the message sent by God
Of One who rose on third day.

Yes, into the world we’ll say
Of God’s great love and grace.
Times we might fail, but not the news
God will sustain His saving plan

Not of the idols, preach not of the signs
preach not even in yourself
But say of the message entrusted
Of Jesus who rose from the death.

This is a song that I'd written after reading the book of Jonah and hearing the Timothy sermon... I had roughly came out the tune for the song, but find it a bit dull... so will try to improve it before I'd sing to anyone. It speaks quite a lot of what I had learnt for the past week... no.. in fact for the past years when I am in NTU, so ya would like to share with you even it look and sound cheesy... ha.

Friday, October 08, 2004

Visit doctor...

Ann was very concerned of my 老毛病 yesterday, that she made sure I would go for a doctor visit today. Guess those who were close to me would know that I had this 老毛病... that whenever I drink soft drink or eat too fast, I would have this excessive air trapped in my chest and stomach... making me feel nausea for the rest of the day until I force them out of my body by inducing myself to vomit/burp ...
And ya... and the frequency seems to increase these days... that for almost everyday that I will this excessive air thingy (sometimes mild though). I gotta more worried, when there was some blood patches when I puked yesterday. So, ya... went to doctor today.
Doctor assured me that the blood patches could be the result of me forcing my throat while puking... nothing serious, and will heal by itself. However, he suggested me to go for a scope to see what's wrong with my stomach inside. I considered not... cuz i dun find it necessary. I was quite well after taking the medication. Anyway, I may consider to, if I am really curious of what's happening to me.
Dad kinda affirmed, and suggested me to go for the scope probably after my examz... haiz see how lahz. Think it will be quite expensive... so will really consider first.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Early Celebration...

Gotta a cake for charissa today! She's a business CG member, whom I never meet. But still.. in the end, I didn't gotta meet her -- she didn't come for CG... "WWhhat!? then what shall we do with the cake ?" hee... in the end, we celebrated Renita's and my birthday, which is in next week... her birthday is one day after mine! Anyway... we had have great fun, this is the very first time we have fun as a cell... cuz the CG was still quite close-up then. Ray joined in, cuz Ann wanted him to be the camera-man, he ended up to be the monster that smashed cake on the innocent, cute little girls in the BCG.... geez!

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Happy Birthday, Charmain...

Yo gal.. if u happened to pop by here... just to let you know that I'd remembered your birthday! May u have many happy days ahead...!! H A P P Y B I R T H D A Y.. and God Bless!

Stay Over at Ann's Hall...

This day, I stayed over at school again, not at Grace and Charmain's room, but at Grace's and Ann's room. Hee... cuz thinking of staying in school to prepare the bible study materials with ann, but we ended up talking to one another and also with yongjie... about the CGLG's incident... about my yesterday's incident too... about her opinions in some stuffs... and etc.
After then, we went for supper, together with chincher and weeseng... chincher too, too restless to study lahz... so in the end, we went to jurong extension for meepok... talked quite a lot of stuff before we went back to canteen b to continued our BS preparation.
Haiz... it turned out quite fruitless manz, cuz we yakati yakati till 4 pm, just to realise that we were only halfway thru the preparation, and yongjie haven't study for his lab presentation yet...

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Guarding the Gospel...

Was feeling very discouraged now... had just tried to help a friend of mine with one of his concern, but had seemingly failed... The thing is that it had became a norm for me to read any passage in the context, so when he gave me a passage from Thess, and told me his revelation from God... I told him what the passage meant in its context, and hence what should be its application. His question was not answered in a way... he mentioned he felt stumbled in a way when what he wants is an assurance that what he understanded is from God, and I just told him that God speaks clearly to us through the bible. He mentioned that he wants to speak to God....

I am deeply distressed after the MSN conversation, probably using MSN is not a good mean to bring my msg across..., my brother felt stumbled in the end... I started to doubt my stand... is what I am doing -- guarding the gospel, edify ppl or stumble ppl in the end? Ppl no longer want gospel alone, bible alone, Christ alone.... ppl wants more... more experiences, more standards, more spirituality... yet there is this one small group of boring ppl, making every effort to teach and rebuke and correct according to the Scripture alone, Christ alone. And apparently, I am in this minority. It is not easy to hold fast to the word of truth... especially when ppl feel that they can't relate to you, because they know ur standard answer is bible bible bible. Now with a friend saying that he is stumbled by what i'd said, it weaken me even more....

As I almost make a decision to be more "open", when I came across Chin Cher's site. I opened the mp3 of Chris Chia's sermon on God's Worker (2 Tim), and before long, my face was soaked in tears. The things that P. Chris said, is what I'm going thru every now and then. Every word he said, every letter I read from the bible, strengthed my heart, firming my stand in Christ. I wants to be God's workman... faithfully handle the word He had entrusted. Pray that I still can be strong despite of any adversity, for I am like Timothy, trained but timid... very timid.

Before I end this entry, allow me to thank God and the Holy Spirit in encouraging me. And if you have the time, do listen to the sermon if you'd not. Let me encourage you too, to be a faithful workman of the Lord, for we can be workman to the church, the congretation, the people, but unless we run the race according to the rule, we will be disqualified-- unless we work in God's way, we are not workman of God. And God's way is Christ, and Christ alone.