ARPC New Year Eve..

Today, i could probably say, is my very first time celebrating new year's eve. My very first time celebrating new year's eve with so many people. My very first time celebrating new year's eve in a restuarant, so near the S'pore River that we could see the fireworks right before our eyes, so big and beautiful. My very first time celebrating new year's eve with a preacher reminding us of Christ.. reminding us to wait patiently for His return in this world that is decaying... My very first time celebrating new year's eve giving thanks to God that my sister had became a Christian, and is growing in her understanding of this Lord tt i' loved. My very first time celebrating new year's eve as an ARPCian (if i could called myself to be one).. my very first time celebrating new year's eve with my mum.. though she understand not the message shared, but really hope that this could be a starting point for us to share the gospel w her... This is really the first time i'm celebrating new year 's eve w people that are closed to my heart- my sis, mum, *n* (though i was quite ashamed to say tt, esp when i wasnt tactful to sense the thing gg thr her mind then), tyc, my DG, hamster and cat.., and christians.. hopefully, this is not going to be the last, but the beginning.

PRC Orientation Camp 2005

This would be the second time i had attended a prc freshmen camp. This time, i was just a day-tripper.. or rather a night-tripper, for i only join them in their night activities. So i do not have a group of my own, but well, my dear sister, *n*, was kind enough to have me joined her group so that i can help her out in the cheer leading competition... duhz.. and so, there i went..

The group, this year, was fun and managable. I have to said this group was different from the group i had last night as this year's ppl were more enthusiastic, and more modernised.. (if i had used the right word) Anyway.. i did had fun with them. I had joined them at Chinatown while they were having their dinner there.. i was quite shocked that they were not shocked to see a stranger join them out of no where.. but they were really friendly to me.. =).. The second night i joined them for their finale, as promised, but.. erm.. never fulfil my agreement to help out in the cheer, cuz i was really not familar w their cheer manz.. anyway.. it was really funny to see *n* rant and cheered.. that was one side of her that one would seldom,.. or never see..

Anyway.. as what i had felt last year.. this event was fun, and can say tt f'ship was built.. but i still feel that it is just the beginning.. the surface.. and more work is needed to be done with these people that we have came in contact with. Hopefully, in God's good timing, these people could come to hear and trust in the gospel of Jesus Christ.. hopefully though us.. i really hope that i can be less lazy.. and more lovingly.. so that i could be motivated to cont'd the f'ship w these ppl.. May God help us.. and me.

Yippee..!

The presentation was over.. I could finally take a break from the days of OT.. and phew! everything went well, i think, my boss was really good in talking and arguing manz.. really wondered why he can be so good and confident..? anyway.. at last.. i can breathe a bit for now.. before i embarked on the project again next year.. がんばいてす..!

Just when we got closer, you had to leave..

My partner had just left, and now I am alone on the project. Feel a bit incompetent.. and a bit sad that he is leaving. geez..

I long for the day..

D D/F# G
I long for the day when faith sees its goal,
Bm G A D
When the things now unseen will be seen.
D D/F# Bm G7
The day when my Saviour comes for His bride,
Em G/A Bm
Whom His blood has washed spotlessly clean.
G G/A D
Whom His blood has washed spotlessly clean.

I long for the day when hope is fulfilled,
On which all of the saints will be raised.

The day all the nations kneel to the Lamb,
Giving Him all their honour and praise.
Giving Him all their honour and praise.

I long for the day when love will abound,
When the family of God will unite.
Our pain and our tears will have disappeared,
Freed at last from the trials of this life.
Freed at last from the trials of this life.

I had hurted..

Went to a party last night.. a 'Christmas' party so called. Everything was just not right. I was too out of control.. i think. .. that i actually called up someone... initially to apologize of what i had said earlier... but i ended up scolding the person.
I am deeply sorry.. you know who you are.. but please dun reply. i should not have said what i had said. It was all rubbish. I was just too crazy then.. You said that you will be ok. I trust that, and I know that you are alright.. but i am not ok now, you know that.. nevertheless, everything will be ok soon, we all know that...

I had thinking a lot lately...

Too long never blogged.. i guessed i was really busy. Busy thinking i think... but never ever thought it through. I cannot said that i had learnt during this period of thinking.. what i can say is that nothing had changed.. and this terrified me a bit. Nothing had changed uh? Probably not. I think i had became more unlovingly.. towards the people around me.

The many thinkings confused me sometime.. I could not bring myself to see or differentiate what is real and what is unreal anymore.. I feel that i am trapped in my own thinking.. i wanted to be happy too.. but i just can't be positive in the thoughts.. happiness or holiness? can i have both? why can some people seem so happy and carefree.. when i lamented over my actions and deeds each day?

Is Christ coming back? The year 2005 is ending soon.. many things had happened, good and bad.. and many things will. What had happened to me? Bad i think.. I could no longer encourage.. no longer love.. no longer share my knowing of Christ..? What i had left was just a fainted faith in something unseen yet true.. and each day i have to remind myself of the faith i had in Christ.. When is Christ coming back..? i am so afraid that i may lose this faith before he comes back, but again.. my faith is determined by God who had chosen to save me..

Under Construction...

The process is never pleasant.. but the product will be... and perservance is its pith...
This person's life and thoughts are under construction.. =p
Please try again later.

Last Week..

the week that had passed was depressing..

.... hope that the coming week will be better..

It gonna to be better manz....

I am a computer engineer..?

"So this is what you have been doing for the whole day ah..? Whey.. computer engin your logic ah? So when can u finish this? .. what tml? so what shall i do now..?"

"....... ok ok.. i will try to be faster"

I am a computer engineer or rather i am known as a computer engineer.. Am i supposed to be able to program fast..? so am i suppose to know why my colleagues' program doesn't work? my logic should be flawless..? am i supposed to be damned smart? why can't I come out with a perfect logic for the GUI? Why am i so slow? I had spent 2 long days working on a simple gui yet it's still gotta bugs... I hate this.... I hate that i am not bright.. i hate that i can't accomplished the things i wanted to do. why am i not thinking faster..? why don't i have more self confidence..? Like what Guofeng had mentioned in his blog too, these research ppl in school
are damned smart.. fast and hardworking.. it just makes me felt inadequated...

I wanted to progress... to become smarter and faster. With this running in my mind while the service is going on, the msg banged a bit hard onto me... especially when Pastor chris cited the example of globalisation; it dawned upon me of how foolish i am to be lured into the business of self-progression... why do i have so much expectations on myself.. this is so foolish?

It was so kind of peixin and jianlong to stay back to talk to me after the service, though they had allowed me to release my frustration but my expectations were still there.. their expectations were still there.. monday will still be coming...

arrggg... stop thinking this way, gal!!!!

About death...

I always thought that I'll not be afraid to die. For I know in certainty that dying will be better than living since then we will sin no more, and more importantly, we will be with Christ our LORD. ( However, the flip side of the coin is true too, as to live is for Christ... we live to encourage one another in Christ by staying alive, and to do the gospel work upon knowing mercy and knowing that time is short.)

To live is for Christ, to die is gain. That's why i thought that dying is not that frightening. But today.. my mind runs too wild a bit while on train to work. I thought that I am going to die.. and that thought actually causes me to tremble. The thought of me blowing up into many pieces of meat is just too horrible that I don't want to die. I tried then to rationalise that I am just afraid of the pain, or that i dun wished to die uglily.. but still, as the imagination continued, it uncovered my fear to suffer, especially physically. Now I really wonder what would I do if some terrorists come by with a knife and ask me denounce my faith? What if they threaten to saw off my head, or even rape me? Will I still be able to stand firm?

I dare not think further.. so i prayed dreadfully that the peace and harmony on this island may continue before I begin my day of work.

Time is short...

(reflection from the study of Revelation 12)

Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say:
"Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God,
and the authority of his Christ.
For the accuser of our brothers,
who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down.
They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony;
they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death.
Therefore rejoice, you heavens and you who dwell in them!
But woe to the earth and the sea, because the devil has gone down to you!
He is filled with fury, because he knows that his time is short."

~Rev12:10-12

Satan was defeated. He was crushed by the Lamb; and so we who believed the Lamb had, or rather, have victory. Ashamed I am, to live a life as if Satan was not defeated. Yes, there are still disasters and diseases going around, wars and strife too.. and true, people are still hurting one another deliberately or not.. and yes, I do still sin..and thus being 'accused'.. but is this going to continue forever?... Sometimes, i just feel that i or the world can't do anything...Will this world continue in this bad state? No.. The time is short. The time where the world is messed up by Satan, one way or another, is short. Satan knows it.. he knows that his time is short, so he is working hard to create havoc, deceiving people and drawing people away from God. Satan is doing his work.. because he knew his time is short. How about us , the ones who know that the time is short too? -_-

Happy Birthday.. Yifen!

No life...

If you have been reading my blog for a long time, you might had concluded that this blog wasn't that interesting to read but the reason you continued was because I am your friend or probably you think that I am cute and wanted to know me better... =p But the more you know about me, the more you will see that i am a boring soul.. My life just circled around my work, my family, my Christian walk and activities - I go to work every weekday from 9 to 6 then Mon night goes to bible study, tues goes to DG, Wed home, Thurs CGLG, Friday Church, Sat shopping with my sis, Sunday tuition. I don't have an exciting night life cuz I dun club. I don't have a boyfriend and I don't have other exciting activities nor do I go for any spa, kick boxing, nail polishing, movie every month or short overseas trips etc... My pastimes? read blogs, watch anime, sleep, guitar. Boring?

I'm not sure about you, but when I told this to Sandra this afternoon, while she met me up for a following up session for her Bel'Air thingy, she concluded "Wah, you gotta no life, gal." I think she just can't believed that I spent almost all my nights doing bible study. She continued, "dun you wanna a boyfriend? dun you wanna to do some stuffs that you like...? blah blah blah... " Then she offered her Bel'Air thingy again, saying that it could free up more time for me to do the things i like.

I didnt argue with her much, in fact I felt indifferent to her response. Because I do admit that I have no exciting life.. since i see myself having an eternal life; and this eternal life is so overwhelming that I dun feel regret of not having a more exciting life. However, I guessed it is still not good for me to keep hearing ppl around me commenting that I gotta no life. =S.. i do feel a bit shaken now.. and probably a bit leftout, especially, when more than 2 ppl inscribed the same comment to me. Well... may my sinful nature be put off while I remember things on heaven now.

Bible Study Retreat...

I took a leave yesterday to go to the retreat organized by yongjie and ray for the 'friend-friend bible study group". What can I said, it was such a great retreat, especially at this time when i was battling the greedy monster... It provided me a time out to refresh my mind so that it can be set on the things in heaven. Yongjie and ray went through "God's Big picture" during the retreat, it reminded me of the things that God had been doing since the beginning of man's history, and the things He is going to do in man's future, and how we are in the plan of His, and how we are involved in the plan God has for mankind. This reminded me greatly, and then how ashamed I was to realize that I wasn't actively thinking of the things God had revealed, whereas I was looking into satisfying my own needs on my own... Oh God, how i hope i could be reminded of the things in heaven often manz.. =s

Greed unleashed...

This started when I agreed to go with Sandra to her company to play the 'Cashflow' game 2 weeks ago. And for the past two weeks, there was a constant battle in my mind.. tormenting me.

One side of me cried out, " you need money! and the job is not paying you enough... If you want to have control of your time.. if you want early retirement.. this is not enough. You see the people around.. they can earn 5-digit salary a month.. and you can too. With a stable passive income, you can soon stop working and work on the things that you wished to do... "

And the other side said... "Are you sure that this is right in the eye of God? Do you truly trust that God provides? You knew it well that money is not everything and the purpose of you living and working is not to earn money.. you know it well that you do not need to worry about money, since money or anything else is given by God for you to be a good steward of.. then why are you thinking of 'earning enough'? And do you know that (in fact i think you had realised it too) that once you have more, you will spend more, and become more proud of yourself and less dependent on God…"

I can't then come to a conclusion..

I never expected that i will struggle that hard in the issue of money. Probably, this struggle came about since i'd just started to earn money now. Suddenly, I am spending my own money, and suddenly i am independent, in a way. Or probably, I am always suppressing the greed... and somehow, Sandra woke up the 'sleeping' sinful nature of me. But the solution she provided was so far the same as what given by my parents... "Earn as much as you can!!"

Then, she offered a network marketing business to me. It's easy money and I had to admit that I was tempted... But I was reluctant to join her, because I dun have the capital.. and I was always skeptical towards the network marketing. But the aftermath effect of waking up the greedy monster still lingers… and even right now, I am still unsure where is the place of money in godly living or what should I do or how should think when battling this greedy monster.. ?.. Duhz! Can I choose the easy way to think.. just hope that Christ comes back and do nothing?.. maybe I should get someone to talk to soon..

Koran and Bible...

It was kind of unexpected, but cool, that I could had a nice chat with a Malay colleague of mine today.. This was something that I hope that it could happen more often, so that the r'ship that i had with the people in the lab will not just be constrained to work and other superficial stuffs. Nonetheless, the conversation also led to a discussion of our religion. And well again.. =(.. i was dumbfounded. Felt a bit useless that i didn't 'God-talk' well.

He mentioned that the root of Christainity, Islam and Jewish religion is the same, just that Christianity's Scriptures were diluted because of the 'dual authorship' whereas the Islamic writings are more convincing as it is word for word. Moreover, he could not accept that God is one yet three, so I told him that the trinity of God was being revealed in the bible rather than taught... but guess that doesn't help him much since he already see that the bible is not creditable. Anyway, I thought that the conversation was good though, for it had made me wanna know my stuff more.

Predictions cannot be proven...!

Finally my colleagues started talking about Christianity le.. but upon knowing that I am a Christian, the discussion didn't last very long. Hastily, the conversation ended with "when it comes to religion, it is very hard to talked (or come to a compromise)".

We started off this topic because one of my colleague was approached by a Christian, who apparently evangelised to him. However, from what my friend commented, the christian had seemed to show him many predictions from the bible that had happened, and told him some more predictions that will to happen. My friend's response, in the end, was as described in the title.. that predictions cannot be proven; I didnt mention a thing throughout.. (guilty) because I kinda agreed (correct me if i am wrong), to his response because i do agree that the bible is not predicting the events happening on earth - like when was Israel coming back as nation, when there will be a chip in our hand, when everyone will have a number craved onto the head.. or when is the end of the day.. Rather i see that whatever the bible say or reveal or predict is about the person of Jesus Christ and Jesus Christ only - of who is he, what he'd done, and what will he do. And that the bible is very clear, that the Christ will comes back and when he comes back this old world and its ways will come to an end. Amen!Well as for now.. just hope that there may be some other chances where we can talk more..

Dinner at Shih Guan's place...

It had been a very long since the last time I'd been to Shih Guan's place. I always remembered the great time where a great number of us gathered together as CGLG.. having retreat at his place.. learning bible together and planning for the new semster.. Well though, the situation had kinda changed now, it's so delighting to see us, different fellow BASIC still coming together.. still catching up with one another.. still encouraging each other to persereve our walk with Christ.. I really do hope that this will continue, even after a few years down the road..

".. among the lampstands was someone like the Son of Man.."

(reflection2 from the first study of Revelation)

Probably is the changes in life that makes me feeling lost.. when i look around, i see things in a more negative way. I see much struggling inside myself.. and i see much troubles in the world.. so i wished that Christ can come back soon. But i had seemed to forget that i am not struggling alone.. and i am not struggling with my own strength.. and that the world is not groaning in pain alone.

Therefore I was greatly encouraged by the last study. It talked about the revelation of Jesus Christ.. it talked about the certainty that Christ is coming back, and most importantly, is that even before he came back, which is now, he is among the churches.. he is among us who revere his name.

"I saw seven golden lampstands, and among the lampstands was someone 'like a son of man', dressed in a robe reaching down to his feet and with a golden sash around his chest." ~Rev1:12-13
"The mystery of the seven stars that you saw in my right hand and of the seven golden lampstands is this: The seven stars are the angels of the seven churches, and the seven lampstands are the seven churches." ~Rev1:20

Though we see sin everyday and though we see pain and injustice everyday, we are proned by His spirit to trust in Him more.. to trust that He is in control of everything.. and he will bring these to an end. What a great privilege we had to have such a comfort!

When is Christ coming back?

(.. a reflection from the 1st study of Revelation)
Nobody knows except God the Father Himself. But His coming back is a certainty.

This is a question that I had been asking almost everyday, either to God or to the friends around me. This question had expressed my weakness (i'm feeling weak everyday) - the inability to anything for myself and for this world. I need Christ to come back and end everything here.

Come to think of that, don't you want an end to this nonsense we had everyday too? When we opened up the newspaper everyday, we see depressing headlines like 'Outbreak of bird flu virus '... 'Bomb blasting kills 16'.. 'Ten killed, 20 trapped in collapsed building in flood-hit city' and etc. People all around the world are killing, cheating, and hurting one another; People around the world is suffering and the poor suffered much still. There is no relationship with one another and everybody is fighting to be the top one... to make a name for themselves, in the expense of others.

And I think when we bring this down to a more micro level, we will be guilty of exploiting other people for our name's sake too. Some of us wanted to earn a name in our workplace that we put all our energy into working hard that we'd forsaken our family. There is no relationship with one another. Some of us lied to make our life better than some other people. There is no relationship with one another. Sometimes we quarrel.. even with our loved ones.. because we want things to be done our ways. Sometimes we just don't bother to say 'thanks' from the bottom of our hearts to the people who loved us or helped us - like our lecturers or our parents - we just think we deserved to be loved.

The point of saying all these is not to condemn us. It is not to ask you to strive more to be a better or loving person. The point I wanted to say, is quite a pessimistic one, is that we have no ability to change the state we are in. In mirco-level we can try to be a better person, but deep in our hearts we know that we can never be better.. somedays we just get angry, somedays we just can't help to hurt our loved ones. In the macro level, we can form good organisations to help the poor and needy, but the poors and needy are always around. The world is still not a better place. There is still injustice around. There is no r'ship w one another. Even i can be a good person outside, I know deep down there is still some people that i will not want to sacrifice my time for. I can't love everyone well, not even to the people who had loved me.

We are like broken tools trying to mend the broken world, without mending ourselves. We need Christ to come back and put an end to everything. When he returns, he will do something to the broken tools and world. For those who had trusted in him, the broken tools will be transform, not mended, to a totally new one; whilst those who didnt trust him will be thrown into the fire. There will be a new world, where is no more death or mourning or crying or pain. Everyone who could see the new world will not be able to do evil anymore.. there will be r'ship w one another and they will give thanks and honor to the Lord forever and ever. Amen.

Thank God that His return is certain; and so would you trust Him who is, and who was, and who is to come?

CFs gathering...

Today was so fun and good. It is like a break from a routine. I gotta meet many people that I'd loved yet have not met for a long time. Yup, after visiting my grandma with my dad and sis, I went to the Botanical Garden. Janice, our dear sister is taking her wedding photo there, and some of us were invited to be 'extras' in the photo shooting. It was such a fun time.. getting to know new friends and posing different pose and walking around the Botanical Garden. Well I'd to confess in a way that this is my first time walking in the garden, I never know that it is so beautiful.

Thereafter the short phototaking session, I rushed all the way down to Bukit Batok.. to Wir wir's house for the music min gathering.. i must say that i missed the time we had spent together at hall one practising and singing... ... aahh... really really miss it .... Well.. things aren't the same anymore now.. nahz.. anyway, wai was there too, though he was not a music minner, he was there to conduct a workshop for us, and well.. duhz, the topic is on the famous BGR thingy.. anyway, i like and think i had learnt much from Wai's workshop.

grandma admitted to hospital...depressed..

My family received a call last midnight as we were all about to sleep. It was from my cousin. She told my dad that grandma was admitted to NUH, and was quite critical. My dad got worried, so were sis and me. I was thinking rushing down, with dad, to the hospital whilst sis offered me to pray together for grandma. We prayed, whilst dad went down alone. After prayer, another call came, and aunt exaggerated that grandma was dying soon.. so we rushed down to the hospital after that, one reason is also to be there to give support to my uncle's family.

I sms-ed friends to pray for grandma, because deep in me, I was hoping that she could hear the gospel before she leave. I hoped this at the last time when she was hospitalised too, and I had kinda promised myself to spend more time with her, and by all means, tell her about Jesus Christ. I was disappointed of myself... that I can't get myself motivated to do so. Then many thoughts came though.. I began to see that I was very passive, and I hated it because I wanted things to be done very much, but why I can't make things happen. This is true for my work right now... and it is also true for ministry matters too, in fact, I see that the whole life was too laid back.. so nothing was done.. then stressed up.. then despaired.

A few weeks ago, when I knew that I was coming back to school to work, I wanted very much to continue leading bible study with some gals. Not only me, some of my friends encouraged that too. But what happened now, too laid back -> nothing done -> stressed up -> despaired. AARRGGG... I hated it... for my tuition kid was the same case too.. and so was han min and sixian and her friend...

I do not know what is my priority of my life now. Is it God? Is it work? Is it myself? Arrgg.. I do not know.. life is moving very fast now especially when i started working.. i dun seem to have time to think or plan what to do.. each day is like a routine.. and each morning i uttered the same prayer - May the Lord come quickly.

Aarrrggg... sad.

40th National Day!

Happy 40th Birthday Singapore.
I had took some pictures of the firework from the highest level of my flat.. wanted to show it but.. erm.. too lazy to get it done... well try it put it up soon.. so stay tune.

And yup! This year I watched the parade at home after having the last bible study on Malachi at Dan and Alison's place..
Upon learning from the book of Obadiah and Malachi, I truly thank God that He had mercy on the nation of Singapore; cuz i had learnt from Obadiah especially, that if the Lord would bring down a nation, no one could raise it up again. What's more is that the Lord had allowed his gospel to be heard on this island, and that we can worship Him without any prosecution from the authority of this land. May Lord continue to cause His Word to bear fruits here. Amen!

Friendship service...

This was such a nice surprise to me, when Han min agreed to come for the friendship service when i asked him for the first time last week. But geez, I woke up late this morning despite knowing that I'm bringing a friend for service. Nonetheless, after rushing down to SBC, and apologising to him, we went for the service, just in time for the last 2 songs of the singing session. I thought that the whole service was pretty good from the start till end. And, Han min also thought so. His feedback was that he had a 'culture shock' for the first 5 mins, because he realised that nobody raise their hands whilst singing. I thought that comment was quite amusing though. Anyway, he mentioned that he had learnt a lot from the service, and wished to join the coming JYN to understand more of his christian faith. But well, still need to pray for him ba, because JYN will be on every Sun, which i think he will be too busy to come. Nevertheless, I really hope that he could come and learn so that he could impart the things he learnt here to SJSM's ppl, whom I'm really concern too..

Sentosa Trip..

Well well.. when Grace first 'jio'ed me for this Sentosa trip a few weeks back, i thought it would be a great time of fellowship-ing with one another before all of us embarking into our busy school term. Little do i know that the Sentosa trip is organized not for the above reason. It is to welcome Steven though; and I only know that not very long ago.

Anyway.. i still went for it just to get myself caught in a 'lightbulised' situation. For i woke up late this afternoon, so i'd gone down to Sentosa in such a late timing that the rest were making their way home while leaving the 2 couples and me there in that island... 2 couples? yes 2.. Grace and Steven, Charmain and Yiyi. If you asked me, being a lightbulb for one couple is bad enough, now two.. =S and worse still, they had not learnt in church that married (in this context, dating) couples should welcome single people like me into their activity so as to encourage one another in a godly manner... They are just too engrossed in keeping themselves accompanied..

So what did I do to avoid the awkwardness of 'lightbulism'? Well i tried to pull the gals to my side to talk initially, and tell them that I felt like a lightbulb now and ask them to help me not to feel this way.. but nahz.. this method proved fruitless to me. So in the end, we went 3 separated ways. The couples wanna be alone, so I ended up touring the island alone. But hey, surprisingly, doing the tourist job alone was quite a hearty enjoyment. I could go around the island at whatever pace i want and to whatever places extemporaneously; when i stopped to take pictures i do not need to worry of delaying another person and etc. Except that there is no one to talk to, the whole touring thingy was superd, i had gone to almost all the tourist sites that i always wanted but never been, like the Orchid Garden, Giantic Merlion etc. Nevertheless, i had kinda enjoyed the trip ba!

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just a small note to myself that last year this date is the day I started blogging.. yippeee .. duhz...geez!

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Started Work Today...

I am stepping into a totally new chapter of my life today, although i am still in the world. I am known, not longer as a student but as a working adult now.. I will not be able to ask my dad for money, rather i have to start contributing to the family le.. i will not have a flexible amount of time to do the things i like.. I cannot sleep late and wake up late anymore.. and i cannot skip lectures like nobody's business le.. and for transportation, i have to pay more than when i am a student. What is worse is that, i guess that this 'chapter' will continue for another ten, or even more years whilst living..

Alright.. enough of this, so, how's my first day of work today? Well.. it's terribly boring. My 'partner' tried to run the application so as to let me take a look of the simulation that they had been doing. The application, however, compiled with many many errors. So... the whole day was wasted trying to debug the application, no.. to be precise, it should be that - for the whole day, i just sit beside him and look at him keying some stuffs.... though once in a while, he will try to ask me some really technical questions, which i dunno how to answer, to make me look stupid. And i think i really looked stupid when he asked me to write a simple Opengl program to test, and i wrote one without the main() function.. Arrgg... what is happening to me...? Sad!

...=S

I was complained by my part time work's supervisor of my bad attitude... what shall i do? am i really in wrong? i dun remember having any dispute with her... in fact i was real quiet during my one week there.. i thought that she was friendly to her subordinates, so was i being too friendly to her that i had neglected the offical formality? Or is it because i speak English to her and she is not used to it.. thinking that i am proud?.. or is it i speak too fast to her ? What's wrong with me? I dun like being accused like that... what is the godly thing to do? my agent said that she will explain to her the misunderstanding... do i still need to buy her gifts and meet her up face to face to apologise..?... apologise.. then i would need to know what to apologise for... =s..

This scared me a lot.. so how shall i conduct myself in work? what is godly behaviour in workplace? be myself..how to be myself..? if i wanted to be myself, it would be the chirpy.. childish little gal.. with no professionalism. Be a "victorious" christian?... someone with great self-confidence, who go around with a big smile everyday and 'hallelujah' every hour?.. Be a quiet soul that does her work without any comments and complaints..? I'm lost.. and i dun like the feeling of being lost... =s .. and tml is the first day of work.... =S

sad.... i wished that life can be easier.. r'ship with people can be simpler.. I wished that Christ can come back soon to restore all things back to the simple good state.....

Back to school...

yup yup.. i was back to school cuz i gotta a job in NTU. I will be working as a project officer in the School of Mechanical and Areospace Engineering, and i will be doing the programming to stimulate the robot.. =) It is so fun to be back in school.. to be able to meet friends and continue to do bible studies with the people that i had been doing BS since last year .. to be back in a familar environment.. to be able to eat the goody "mee sua" where i cant find it else where except in NTU.

Anyway, I'm starting work on Thurs... =P.. cuz i need some time to deal with my part time issue.. I was back school today to hand up my application forms and to go thru some admin procedure. And well, since i was back in school.. i was caught by some ppl to have lunch with... =)Met up with Poh Lin and Yong jie for lunch.. had some good talk.. then headed to SCR for they need to do some work using their computers.. so i bummed around .. then talked again... =p

Later.. we met up with the CE CG for dinner.. I'm so glad to see the boys meeting up as a CG with the keen interest of continuing studying the bible with us, despite the fact tt we are not longer under CF... pray that God may continue to keep us in Him.. helping us to understand His word as we gathered to study His word in this manner.

After the quick dinner with the CG, me, Ray, Yongjie together with Shaun and Pohlin went for a meeting with the pioneering president and secretary of CF. Well... to summarise my thoughts.. i just hate talking to saleperson... =S they just went all around with their beautiful and impactful words... i was quite lost then.. and i dun like this feeling.. in fact hate this feeling to be unsure.. Hence, this wonderful day that i had was ended with this upsetting feeling... =z

The past 2 weeks...

I had not been blogging for the past 2 weeks.. partially because i was busy last week and that i had a very bad week a fortnight ago..

Well i can't remember much of the things that had happened a fortnight ago.. what i could remember now was still my stubborness and sinfulness.. how me and sis trying to talked sense to mum at the MacDonald which ended up in quite an ugly situation... how i was in such ruefulness after that... and how a wretched person i am..

i needed to work.. i dun wanna to depend on her anymore.. so i went to get a part time job.. Hence, for the past one week, i had been working as an order processing officer at Amway.. it's quite an interesting job for it kept you busy. The amount of orders to process is unceasing, the number is so great that i needed to work overtime to finish processing the day's orders... and hence by the time i reached home, i was just too tired to go online..

The highlight of this 2 weeks, i guess, was that i went for Theresa's birthday party on the 23rd of Jul.. that was a very fun party for we got to wear our uniforms to attend that party. I couldn't find any of my school uniform =S so tree gotta me to wear her ACJC's uniform.. It's so cool, i think, to be able to wear some other's uniform.. Anyway.. i think Ray still gotta the best treat, he gotta wear tree's MGS uniform and hence gotta the fun of cross dressing as a gal...
and for the first time.. i drew comic strips as a birthday card to her.. i was so proud of myself to be able to produce such a creative stuff..

The next highlight.. was that i was asked to go for an interview yesterday in NTU... i was so nervous that i couldnt sleep for the whole Wed's night. I was thinking and researching online of what my job scope was like and was trying to run through the interview in my mind.. in the end, it was not an interview at all.. the in-charge was showing me around the lab and telling me what was expected of me.. in another word.. i gotta a job in NTU.. yippee.. i will be going back to school =P

Project Timothy Bible Conference...

I just came back from PTBC which is a 3 days 2 nights stay-in conference that teaches people to handle the Word of God faithfully. This kind of bible conference is held every year and different speakers would be invited to speak and teach about some issue from the bible. Like last year, the topic is on Holy Spirit, whilst this year is on the issue of predestination.

I personally had learnt much from the conference ( but well, i will not try to write out a summary now cuz mi a bit lazy now.. =p.. maybe some other time ba.. ) and had made some new friends from other churches too. For me, the workshops on how to read the book of Revelations and Hebrews was very useful, though it was quite brief and short, i think i had learnt a lot from Ray Galean and Peter O'Brien... even from their sermons, they had encouraged me a great deal, to perserve in the faith I had in Christ Jesus and to really trust in God's sovereignty..

Sister's Convocation...

This was kinda duhz lorz... that she finished her exams earlier than me, but her convocation was a few days after mine. Anyway, too bad for her lahz because we had forgotten to charge the camera after using it for my convo on monday... and so, she had to take pics on her frenz' camera..

Played chinese chess with dad while waiting for the ceremony to start, since we were one hour early and then we sat there and waited for another 1 hr so for sis to get onto the stage and then another 1 hour before the whole ceremony ended...

So yup.. sis's convo is one highlight of today.. another thing was that i'd met irene at serene's centre today, I'm so glad to have met her for she was one dear friend of mine in badminton team during JC time, and i was so encouraged to hear that she is still holding fast to the faith in Christ.. We chatted a lot, mainly to update one another of our life so far.. it was then that i realised and was thankful that i had learnt and grew much in Christ in these 4 yrs too.. I prayed that she would continued to grow in her faith so that the next time we meet we can still encourage one another in this manner.

Convocation...

yup yup.. this day was my convocation, and well this was my first time attending convo and also the first time that i'm wearing the academic gown.. the first time that my dad attended a ceremony of mine and guessed this was also be one last event tt would conclude one chapter of my life.. so felt a bit nervous then.

The ceremony was pretty boring.. I waited and clapped my hands for like 1 hour before i could proceed to the stage. While waiting, I was talking to 2 fellow CE guys, beside me, whom i had never seen before.. so well, it was really hard to find topic to talk to them, hence there were many awkward silence..

Thereafter the ceremony, i went around, with ray as the cameraman (my camera was w my sis and she was nowhere to be found), to take pics with my different lecture mates... Found my sis, and therefore my camera, later... so gotta yifen to help as the camerawoman..=P.. nahz.. but in the end, dun think i had taken much pic.. I could remembered last year i was the camerawoman for Diana's convo and we had practically walked around the whole school to take pic and that was what i mean a lot..

Cake smashing...

I was back to some cake smashing action, since char.k is not around and I was in some kind of mischievous mode then, at ray's birthday.. the cake smashing was quite well done i think, at least it looked as if i hated him a lot.. hahaha.. anyway.. brother, you know that i dun.

Anyway, this party was really fun.. we had yongjie preaching about praying - i was quite shocked to see him delievering a short talk when i arrived but well it encouraged me in the end. The food was great.. and the number of people was just nice to be comfortable. Then we played my game of guessing the pattern... and as finale we had a magic show done by ray's friend which was as good as the professional... very entertaining i must say.

We went over to Grace's house to continue catching up with one another manz.. she gave us some souvenirs.. and chocolates before showing us her Europe trip's photos which was so much that we took more than 1 hr to view them.. i gotta a bit restless in the end, nevertheless i was happy for her, as we broswe thru the photo, that she had such a wonderful there..

Looking for job..

I woke up a bit earlier today to look for job after bumming for such a long time. Well, actually it was my sister who dragged me out of the bed.. She was very enthusiastic in finding jobs for herself, and helping me to find a job too. I do felt a bit 惭愧 though, at the same time thankful of her for what she had done.. Not that i had found a job in the end, but that i was motivated a bit to look for a job on my own.. and yar also for the ability to walk around.. feeling like a human, after staying too long at home in front of a computer... bleh..

Anyway, went to walk around on my own after job hunting, before going to church today. I was quite shocked to see two great of mine coming for service.. they were pinsin and mel.. woahz.. it had been ages since i last saw them face to face.. was quite happy though.

Obadiah...

Finally, we are starting our bible study on the book of Obadiah after a month break.. I am excited. Really excited.. probably because of the wonderful introduction of this book and Malachi during the last adult meeting, I am anticipating to learn more... to know more, and to grow more into the r'ship with this faithful and unchanging God. Really pray that I can understand and understand it well.

Which church to go?

Yesterday, my tuition gal sms to ask me of my opinion of city harvest church because she will be visiting it today. Well i didnt told her much, so as not to confuse her; instead i just briefly told her that CHC is a good place for fun and loud musics but she will learn nothing about Jesus Christ.. and that i told her that she may go there to take a look and we shall discuss it today during our tuition session.

I was so glad to hear from her today that she had finally decided to believe in Christ. Thanks God for His mercy towards her. Then we spent like 1 hr or so talking about it before our lesson. We started off with how's her time in CHC and who brought her there etc, since she went there this morning, she said "woah their music is really loud.. but the speaker was good" "my friend brought both of us there.. but she is a lesbian" "i feel like going for their this talk by A.R Bernard"... i was quite dumbfolded with her reply.. then i wondered how to advise her on church choosing, without being judgmental towards CHC..

... I started by telling her a bit of the church scenes around us.. explain very briefly on the different denominations we have and also the charismatic nature of CHC. I pointed out to her that Christianity is not a religion where we do and don't to earn salvation and Christianity is not about us.. of how we can live a successful life. Christianity is all about CHRIST, God's king to save, judge and rule.. it's about the r'ship of the Creator and his creation. About we human, the creations kept telling our Creator that we dun need Him; that we want our own ways.. tt we rebel against Him. Instead of calling God God, we invented something that we want to be god. So God being a righteous God have to punish us for our wrongs, that's y we were dead, no gd r'ship w Him, no gd r'ship w ppl around us... we'r like dead ppl! It is only through Christ and Christ alone that we can have reconciled r'ship w God and be able to know Him. And it is upon knowing the Creator that we can understand the creation. That's why i told her that the key to note when choosing a church is that the church teaches Jesus Christ, our Lord and God faithfully and truthfully.

One can easily spot a church that did not teach Christ truthfully, for example if a church said that 'Christ did not really died' we can know for sure that the church is not teaching the right stuff. But how about churches that invented a Jesus that love to be clapped for and see worship as singing songs...? .. how about those that only tell you half truth? for example 'you must study the word of God because it will teach you of how to live ur daily life and bring you great success in ur marriage, ur business and investments.' but never talk about the suffering as christian. How..??=S The latter is so subtle, and hence so difficult for her, even us, to be reckoned with, what's more she's a new believer.

umm.. i started to wonder if i should just give her some advice and allow her to look around on her own.. or should i just recommend her and bring her to a church.. Anyway, i think i had done both le.. i had invited her to the friendship service in ARPC whilst trying to find out more about TNYF... at the same time worriedly i told her to go look around first lahz.. =S yar.. i know that it's quite irony but what to do.. can only pray to God laz...

Part Time Job...

Well.. I had looked forward to this day where i can work and earn a bit of pocket money.. Thanks Pauline for such a 'lobang' where i can simply sit in an air-conditioned supermart and count stuff... It wasn't really a tough task to do but it gotta a bit boring as time went by, fortunately, it was just for a few hours and i'd earned $40. These were the first dollars that i'd earned this holiday (i havent receive payment for the php proj yet)...*big sigh* Hope that i can really get a permanent job soon so that i can be financially independent a bit baz... but still i'm a bit 力不从心 ehz..

Meet the client...

Today, i went over to tye wei's place to meet the client of the project that we had been working for. Yar.. and his name is Bobby. Well, i kinda thought that that will be last day of the project cuz it felt so much like a project presentation to a lab supervisor when Ray presented the workflow of the project. What's so different is that the client, unlike the professor in school, dun seem knowledgable.. so it's less stressful i guess..

But well... towards the end of it, the meeting turned into an argument.. some bickering so that each side can reach an agreement. The client wanted lotsa stuffs in their website.. but... refuse to pay us extra for it.. so yar.. it's a bit unfair to us lahz.. so TW.. kinda restricted the client to make as little changes as possible..

well.. was trying my best to look serious then, and try to learn as much as i could.. but guess maybe the only thing that i'd learnt from today's meeting is the skill of negotiation baz..

Sixian called...

It was such a surprise that i recieve a call from her this evening.. she called from Australia.. and well that's the first time I had an oversea call like that.. Anyway, it was so great to hear from her again.. she is really a sister that is close to my heart.. Arrhh.. miss the good old days!

What a wilful brat i am...

I had regretted of what i had done today... calling people up to ask them out to accompany me out of the blue... I was in the wrong already in the first place .. and by doing so.. urg.. what a fool i am... Sorry to those i had imposed on.. sorry.

Marketplace fellowship for graduate CFers...

I was invited, together with the rest of the freshly graduated CFers, by Shih Guan to attend this so called marketplace fellowship...

Well.. I really think that it is good that we, once partners in gospel ministry in school, can still be continuing in the partnership of the gospel after the guaduation.. That warms my heart a bit.. to know that we may still continue to build up one another in this manner.

The number is small.. and the people combination is really fresh to me.. This is the first time i had bs (not cglg) with the accounting ppl like shih guan, phillips, sarah and francis.. oh.. eunice was there too.. so glad to see her around.. to learn God's word from the book of James tog...

well.. it's probably because of the camp.. that now I'm thankful and really appreciate the privilege that i have to study or listen to God's Word with fellow BASIC (Brothers And Sisters In Christ)... thanks God for that..

JFN Chill Out @ Settler's Cafe...

Yup yup... as the title speaks for itself, we had a wonderful evening at the Settler's Cafe .. feasting and playing games with one another.. (we played Jenga and Pictionary tog in groups...) However.. i felt that the tables are too long for me to have the chance to talk to the ppl in the far end.. like Alison.. and Dan.. and Christine.. i didnt even talk to Melissa for the whole evening..

Well... hope that we may have more chances to hang out with one another ba... and of course have a proper group photo then..

My new niece...

Today i went, with my sis, to the party of my newborn niece's one month celebration...

Tadaa.. and that's the new gal.. her name is Ruby, which is a computer language -also know as 'the next Perl (her sis's name)' Ya.. btw my cousin is a computer geek!

I was however amazed by his friendship with his friends.. it was so deep that he could allow her kindergarden aged Perl to stay overnight at his best friend's house.. Well that's amazed me because i never stay over at any of my parents' frens' house before... anyway.. that's not the point.. the point is i shall start making effort to love my friends.. to build deep f'ship.. so that in 10 yrs down the road we will still be having fun tog..

How's your mum..?

This is the first "greeeting" i gotta from Wee Seng when i went for the Fri's service today... "How's my mum..? err.. she is ok lahz.. aarrrggg *hand pulling hair*.. she callled u too?... gosh! think she had called a lot of ppl... " "nahz.. nvm lahz... it's ok lahz.. just that now the whole church is wondering who is huiqing and huiya le..." arrggg.. *shame... hand cover face*"

Guess what had my mum done..? she called up the whole list of numbers in front of the bulletin, from Chris Chia to John Wong..., to find out where were us.. cuz our bus was super late.. we only arrived church at 930 and our phone was flat.. and we didnt ask anyone for a phone to call back and.. we went to eat something.. ok... serve us right..!

A taste of heaven...

I'd just came back from ARPC church camp at Putrajaya, KL. The 5 days camp was incredibly wonderful.. a great church camp i ever be...! It was really like what Chris Chia had said in the beginning of the camp... this is like a glimpse to heaven.. a taste of honey where God's people gathered together to listen to God's Word, praising God together and enjoyed the fellowship as brothers and sisters in Christ... and well the good foods and lodging in the five-stars Marriot hotel is just some extra perks.

The level of interactions is superd manz.. we can simply sit down at any table during meals and get to know one another.. There seems to have no barrier - everyone is relating with one another in love though we just gotta to know one another. I'm sure that the motivation is from the good understanding of God's word.

Christianity is indeed about relationships - r'ship b/w God and man, man and woman, & man and nature. God created us, human being to be a relational being, and He teaches us, thru His word of how to relate to one another as we are to be. God's word, esp being taught in this camp, made us wise in our everyday living when we relate to ppl.

This camp begun w Philips Jensen giving us a bird-eye view of what's wrong w the humanity and that how foolish is man thinking tt God doesnt exist.. thinking that they can suppress the truth.. thinking that they can live in anyway they like.. little do they know that they are under God's wrath when we live e way that we are not created to be. How foolish are we to live without God, whilst we tried to build some gods on our own to satisfy our need for God... whilst we tried to relate to ppl w our own ways.

[Rom 1:18-23] The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse. For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.

Joshua Ng is the one who brought us thru the book of Proverbs, teaching us to live in wisdom in our marriage, our work, in our dealing w money.. in all aspect of our lives practically.. Proverbs is a book of a father imparting knowledge to his son so that the son can be wise.

[Proverbs 1:1-7]The proverbs of Solomon son of David, king of Israel:
for attaining wisdom and discipline; for understanding words of insight;
for acquiring a disciplined and prudent life, doing what is right and just and fair;
for giving prudence to the simple, knowledge and discretion to the young
let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance
for understanding proverbs and parables, the sayings and riddles of the wise.
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

Chris Chia then rounded up the talks in encouraging us to continue to be wise. Life is about 2 choices - to live in wisdom or to live in foolishness. Wisdom is both a gift and task from God.

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding

I learnt a lot.. truly a lot. Now just have to pray that I will be able to live wisely each day whilst facing the hostile world.. especially in relating to ppl. Though fall i may... but trust will be on God forever till the days end.

Stressed...!

i will be going for the church camp on sat... but i haven't finish the php project... stressed..!! i dun wanna to be seen as being irresponsible again.. i really wanna get my work done.. but why am i so slow..? i hated it..

wondered if grandma is ok.. mi went to see her last night.. felt wasted in a way that i couldnt share christ w her.. i was alone w her.. but my hainanese really cannot make it.. .. and i really dunno how to start.. sad.. hope that nothing will happen to her during the time i go for the camp..

sigh.

A long day...

Slept late... real late. But wake up early this morning... i was pulled out of bed by my sis to watch dvd w her! Well.. can't blamed her... she is making every effort to talk to me.. to communicate w me.. because for the past few days.. i have not talk to her... i was always home late.. if not.. i was too caught up and stressed up w the php that i give attention to no one.. except to my computer... she meant well.. but i cont'd to be half asleep on the sofa outside...

Then went to meet up w ray and yongjie.. at tye wei's place to talk about n do the proj... i think i work better in team.. it's not that stressful i think..

Sis called to tell me that grandma is hospitalised.. i went on to meet up shao wei for dinner though very much i wanna visit her.. when i receive a call from my mum telling me that grandma is hospitalized.. and that dad and her are visiting her.. i immediately rushed to the hospital..

NUH.. is never a place w good memories.. it always causes me to have mixed feeling.. and sadness.. I always dunno how to react when ppl are hospitalised.. thought of mel.. and cindy.. grandmum.. uncle.. sigh..

I wished and prayed that grandma can be well... that there will not be any clots due to the fall.. that she wouldn't die.. but well.. who dun die.. it's just that i dun wanna her to die without hearing the gospel.. without any hope.. Death is not the end of everything.. bible clearly stated that Christ will come a second time to judge the living and dead.. that those who believe in him shall live in good r'ship w the creator....

But.. how well can i communicate the gospel to her...? i can't even speak hainanese well.. Will i be as brave as tree to ask a hainanese stranger to talk to her..? i dunno.. i wasnt even a good testimony in the family.. will it be enough if i just pray?

Today is a busy day...

Finally.. the php project had started.. yes we (mi, ray & yongjie) gotta the php tuition proj liaoz, and what awaiting us ahead is the hellish period of programming.. anyway.. we went down to meet the tye wei.. the person-in-charge early in the morning.. where he explained the spec to us..

then ray do his subj registration there.. i do not have to do it anymore.. but well, upon looking at him.. i can still remember the anxious times that i had whilst registering for the last 4 yrs... umm..

Then we went to eat before meeting tree to shop for their gadgets.. long time no see tree.. so much things to say.. so many things in common.. well at least both of us are inactively looking for job..

Finally the thing that i'm looking forward to.. the dinner w xiuli.. miss her so much.. and since it was her bday yesterday, so we met up, tog w ann.. pizza at spizza is good.. but the customer service there.. sigh.. but the tea treat at Essential Brew is fabulous manz.. the ambience is real good and the service is excellent.. we had a wonderful time playing truth or dare.. catching up w one another and drinking tea.. before i went back to school w ann and cont'd our talk till wee hours...

To kill time...

Play games when I wasn't feeling right... Discovered this game from fasco-cs... unlike its crimson and viridian game which I spent so much time and brain juice to solve them.. this is so funny.. hahaha more fun to play with though it was quite stupid..

我有在成长吗?

铁磨铁 磨出刃来; 朋友相感也如此
痛悲羞 骄者勿服 忧伤之灵谁晓知?
愚昧呀! 明哲似远 懈怠的人难行義
忏悔着 恳切哀恕 泪淋持待主再归...

Anger...

I can't control it... so i run away from it, preventing myself from exploding... i do not understand why she kept finding fault with him.. why she just can't love him..? why she kept talk abt money? why she can't see her own fault...?

I dun hate her.. i'm just angry... of myself too.. i dunno what to do...

New Look...

Tadaa... .. my new blog look... I had done this when I was super pissed of PHP and was taking a break from it... duhz.. .. what a long break manz.. now back to the project..

Learning ...

Arrgg.. .. aarrrrgggggg.... it's so hard to learn php on my own... i spent the whole afternoon, yesterday, just to get myself to be connected to the database.. then the whole night to do the database and forms... and now i'm stuck..

Went to airport again...

yup.. went to send some people off today.. It was such a coincidence that both Grace and Charmain are leaving to Europe tonight and that their flights are just 10 mins apart from one another.. Nothing really special... cuz they are just going for 1 month... duhz..
Saw **n... and she told me mel's condition... that she's in NUH now.. lotsa memories really flashed back manz... and.. dunno why.. mel always have the ability to affect my emotions.. maybe i really do care for her.. yet.. there seem to be nothing i can do.. nahz.. i will be okay.

Before it's too late...

Finally we had came to the last session of JFN... today's teaching was quite fast, so Wee Seng spent the rest of the time challenging us to think of how we can act wisely... He also shared his regrets which i think is my regret too... that we all had spent too much of our time outside in Christian activities that we did not spend time to talk to our parents..

Now, like what he had shared, i had difficulty communicating with my parents... my conversation w my dad nowadays is less than 10 sentences.. i dun seem to know what to talk to him le... so i always ask him how's his day.. which is the same everyday... Maybe i need to do something to salvage the r'ship.. well.. think i shall start brushing up my Chinese chess during this holiday.. such that even i got nothing to say to him, we can still spend time tog... As for my mum, i think she is easier because she talks a lot.. so just let her talk.. and mi 'listen' loz..

Stranger in the lift...

The person rushed into the lift out of nowhere.. then started asking me questions.. i shouldn't have answered him... i should be more alert.. I should have suspected something when he said he's visiting a fren at this hour of time (going midnight)... now dunno whether he know which unit i stay or not.. so scary.. unable to sleep.. hoped that he is not a stalker and that i am too sensitive...

I was too inconfident...

After 4 years of computer engineering, i'm still not confident of working for people... My first job offered to do a 3 months project in NUS was blown off because i was overwhelmed by the allowance given... it can round up to 10k for 3 months... the money is so big and the project sounded difficult.. hence i was really afraid that i can't do it, even with help... In the end.. i lost it.. I felt so disappointed thereafter and started to wonder if I can ever find a job or not.. what kind of work can i do..?

Telling gospel in Chinese...

Arg... how come i can't present the gospel well in Chinese when i'm a Chinese...? I was so disappointed of myself.. really feel that i can do it better.. It was such a rare chance that i could talk to my tuition's kid's mum today and our conversation actually opened up a chance for me to share the gospel... But Chinese sentences just didn't formed well in my brain to describe the good news...

nahz.. so i'd only manage to drive thru the point that all of us is sinful, and only God can forgive.. dunno she understand or not.. she always told me that Christianity is good and wanted her child to go to church but she cannot believe in Christ because if so, no one will worship their ancestors.. well.. i'd continue to pray for her..

Happy Mother's Day...

aksjdhjfd

Sis insisted me to take a picture of myself with the dish i'd done for mum for mother's day... well.. since i wasn't a cook by nature.. and this fish dish was really tedious.. so felt really good when all who ate complimented..

Yes.. All is really over now...

I was so nervous for my presentation this morning, that as i walked into the tutorial room, i chased out the two guys in the tutorial rm... think one of them was annoyed by my this behavior.. haiz...

nevertheless the presentation went alright.. i wasn't fully prepared.. and i think the examiners knew that too.. now just hope that i can pass lahz...

So, when everything is over.. i went to treat myself some fish and chips in the new cafe in NTU BSci block... it was quite good.. happy!

Brought my camera then.. thinking of taking pics with my supervisor.. but forgot after the presentation.. so mi and a** and yongjie went around the school to take pics.. hahaha.. though it's kinda stupid.. but duhz.. it's fun.. really fun...

Exams are over... for good...

Yipppeee...... Exams are over.... completely over... hope that i will not have take anymore exams in the near future.. I was so excited, or rather so 'gan choi' and stressed, that i can't sleep the last night.. i was awaked throughout the night... and then relied on vitamins, chicken essence and plenty of coffee to keep me awake... now that my exams are over, i wished to sleep.. but i can't cuz i haven't prepare for my FYP presentation yet which is tomorrow's morning... nahz.. but the stress can't keep me awake.. slept in the library while doing the slides.. zzz.. thanks to Yongjie.. for waking me up.. and discipline me to finish the slides.. before we headed down to the airport...

Yes.. airport... to send Minna off.. i am going to miss u Minna...

gotta quite high.. maybe due to insufficient rest plus overdose of caffeine in my body.. also because i was hanging out the usual groups of comfortable friends that i loved to be with.. so crapped a lot... how i wish life is so carefree everyday.. no stress but rest and play.. and hanging around w friends...

did i say no stresss...? oh no.. wake up gal..! gotta presentation tomolo morning ehz.. #$!&@.. =S

Last Examinations Paper...

Tomorrow I am going to take the last paper of my entire education life.. 恐怖的vision... (Computer Vision)... and that will mark the end of my 16 years of studying...

Ahh.. 好恐怖啊! sob.. i haven't finish studying yet.

Former-president Wee pass away...

Heard the news this evening... that our former-Prez Wee Kim Wee passed away this morning... the news made a special report on the bibliography of this dead person... and that was then I think he was quite a remarkable leader.. humble and sincere... He had a poverty-stricken childhood then started work at the age of 15 as a clerk, then, like Chris Chia, a journalist in Strait Times... then a diplomat before becoming our President in 1985. But what really caught me by surprise is that he was a God fearing leader... though i do not know if he believe in Jesus or not; but he did said this phrase in great humility.. "In the eyes of God, all man is the same.. if you take away the title of president from me, i am not different from the taxi driver..."

It was during the news report.. that i also realised that I know little of the leaders of Singapore.. though i lived in S'pore for more than 20 years... and i'd never prayed for them or thanks God for them... I was quite ashamed to have taken the peace and freedom in Singapore for granted without recognising that it was God who allows it... but who had recognised it?

Yes.. in the eyes of God, all man is the same because all man had sinned against God... and all man needs Jesus.

What had happened to me..?

I had tried to play fighting games... eat Mac Donald's .. and now I'm blasting my ears with music that i dun understand.. but how come i'm still so frustrated...unhappy..? Probably I didn't have enough sleep... probably it's my lousy economics paper that make day so lousy... probably it's FYP... probably i'm stressed... probably it's because i hate guessing... probably i hate making choices... probably i just hate the huiqing that dunno how to think correctly... hate the huiqing that uncontrollablly vent the frustration on close frens around me... or probably i am still a sinner...

Headache... probably what i need is a good night rest.. or a good cry... no.. probably what i need is that Christ can come back soon.

Working woman...

This evening i went to my tuition kid's house to.. of course give tuition lahz.. ya... despite in the midst of exam... After drilling her for 2 hours.. i sat down to talk to her.. giving her some feedbacks regarding her learning and some advice on how to prepare for her exams. Before long, her mum came back from her work; and sat with us then.. so i went on to ask her mum to get some multi-vitamins for her, since i understand that vitamin B helps to boost brainwork and vitamin C helps in coping stress and boosting immunity system. I wondered why her mum can just go out of context.. and start to speak ill of her daughter.. telling me that she is very stubborn.. and that she has poor memoery because she has sin...??? always talk non stop over the phone.. blah blah and blah...

The poor gal started to cried.. and i gotta a bit angry with the mum.. why she must she embarassed her child in front of an outsider like that... especially to someone that she respect..? i understand exactly how e gal feel.. because my mum is also like that.. my mum would go around telling my relatives and neigbours how lazy i was.. how late i always go home.. and then these relatives would all come up to me to either "suan" me or scold me..

I tried to comfort her.. and also assured her mum that her daughter is a lot better than others who are going thru their teen years too.. i was worse when in secondary sch. Then uncontrollably, .. her mum shouted across the table "stupid" at her.. and that's it.. i really cannot stand the mum liaoz.. "Oh auntie, you'd been back home for quite some time le... =) think you better go and wash up and take a rest ba.. think u r very tired too.." I tried to get the mum to leave us alone as gentle as i could... so that i can console her...

i know she hated her mum... i used to dislike my mum too but i dun hate her as much as she did becuz my mum, unlike hers, dun dare to hit me... she said she treat her as singing when she's talking... i understand that perfectly too because me and sis also did that.. But when i begin to understand the bible.. i began to see and understand that we are all sinful... that we all did not relate to God rightly, hence we cannot relate to one another rightly... we can't love... we can't be others-centered simply becuz we are lovers of ourselves...

I told her that and i told her to be understanding to her mum because she is a working mum. Not just to understand that she has a very tough life outside.. but to really understand that we all have a problem of us rejecting God... and not relating to God rightly. God made woman to help man.. not to have her taking up the role of man.. Working in the field is not the role of woman (or rather not the main role because she is to help).. and having ruling power is not the role of woman.. they are the roles of man. Rather, child bearing(Gen3) is the role of woman.. watching over the affairs of the household (Prov31) is the role of woman...

Both her mum and my mum have not know God.. they'd lived not according to what God had created woman to be.. therefore there's a broken vertical r'ship w God and hence a broken horizonal r'ship b/w them and their husbands.. and children. Working woman, is like using a spoon to eat noodle, it's frustrating, they faced more stress than working man, because they are working against their nature.. hope that you wouldn't get me wrong.. i am not saying that woman shall not work at all... if u read Prov31, u'll realised that she also make linen to sell.. this is what i mean of helping the man work in the field.. but that's not e main role.. and the whole Prov31 portrary the main role of woman as taking care of her household. So when all the energy and focus and desire is to earn lotsa money or prestige... it becomes frustrating for both the woman and the ppl ard her.

Understanding the gospel allows me to understand what being a human being is all about.. it motivated me to forgive.. and love.. love her much enough to share the gospel with her so that she can be saved. I ask the teen to forgive.. she shakes her head... I know that she wouldnt be able to forgive now.. but hopefully and prayfully i wish that she can know Christ... and be able to learn to forgive...

Robotics paper...

Today is the first paper of the final year's examination... a mixture of feelings.. though mostly anxiety.. =S

Ai Lin leads JYN today...

This is the first time i see Ailin leading a bible study... I was looking forward though... to see and therefore learn from her (a lady) of how to learn lead a study... mi haven't really seen a woman, except for ***, leading a study yet... but erm.. well think Wee Seng is still clearer in explanation and better in controlling the flow of the study.. nonetheless, despite some hiccups initially, the message was still faithfully taught through her... just hope that God would enable the people to understand the message and hence be challenged by it le...

Movie in the midst of exams...

gotta some free tickets from my aunt.. .. so mi and sis went watch movie with her and her daughter lorz.. This was quite a rare experience for me... this is the first time i went for a movie when i'm going to have my first paper on the day after tomorrow... and more rare is that i went to watch the movie with my cousin.. and auntie.. ( well i am not close to this auntie and cousin at all...) But well... this show was still quite a nice show.. nicole kidman looks good =)

think that i really cannot watch movie whilst knowing that i'm having a final paper soon... i just can't totally relax myself and allow myself to enjoy the movie.. the movie is interesting.. but i am just too occupied in my mind.. =S..
anyway i did have a good break lahz..

ahzz.. i saw this big poster on my way out after the show... the title really caught my attention manz.. especially when i had been thinking about the KOH these few days.. nahz.. but i think this movie will portray a different KOH rather than the second coming of Christ... nevertheless.. still think that this will be a good show.. from the director of gladiator eh... i love that show.. so this KOH show would not be that bad right... hint hint... =p

Baptised..?

Today is the first time i witness baptism in ARPC.. Chris Chia had explained baptism well during the service that my sister really understand the meaning of baptism.. As i sit through however.. my mind is thinking of when shall i be baptised...? i used to decide to get baptised when i reached 21 so that i can dun need my parent's permission.. but then this backed off... now.. another question also raise up which is where shall i get baptised - SJSM or ARPC...? then looking back at these questions in my head... i started to wonder if i understand baptism or not..? If i see water baptism as an outward expression to the people that i am a Christ-follower.. do i need to be baptised when everyday to me is an outward expression to the people that i'm a stranger to the world..that i am a Christ-follower? Maybe i shall go through baptism with my sis .. or dun get baptised at all......?

haiz... sorry ahz.. those are just all the messy thoughts in my brain during that short 30 mins... anyway the sermon later is good and clear, with a great analogy in the end to bang in the idea that we loved someone whom we do not see because that is real thing.. more real that the things we do by sight... well i guess i dun really summarise well.. but if you wanna listen to this sermon.. pls go ahead.. =)

last project...

well.. finally i'm done with the last project of the week before i settle down to study for my exams... =s have to and had completed 3 projects in this week... hence am a bit tired now..
good that this robotics lab is not that tough.. oh.. and this is the first time working a project with yongjie.. now that realised that he is quite a perfectionist in school work too.. =p

studied with A** ( she told me not to keep mentioning her name in my blog) later in NIE.. picked up a few stones on the way... for me to play while i was bored while studying... for her to draw onto later to express her artistic side... if she has... =p

arrrgg.. anyway... this is what i like about school... where we have the lotsa time to do stupid things... =p heez.. nahz..! think i gonna miss the time in school manz...

last BS of the semster = my last BS in NTU..??

Time really really fly... today is the last CG's bible study of this semster.. not much emotions then.. but now as i write... i started to long... begun to miss.. begun to wonder if i will still come back to NTU for BS or not... Always, I know, in my heart, I want.. and I think I will still come back... maybe that's why i didn't feel anything then during the last BS...

reasons of coming back..? To continue the learning and teaching of the Word with and to the people in NTU... even without CF or a status in NTU..

Now.. I am kinda firm... prayed that the job i find may not take up too much of my time and energy in the future...

Sick... my nose is running...

This is the first flu virus attack this year... feeling miserable now...

What so good about Good Friday..?

Today is my sister's 21st birthday.. and also Good Friday.. and we held a party at parc vista... invited all her close friends to have free fun and food... but most importantly, the free gift of living water - the salvation.

Before the party, I am very excited.. really excited...
After the party, I am very glad.. really glad...

I'm excited because there are 30 odd non-Christians to hear the message... and I'm glad that these ppl actually listen attentively to Wee Seng as he gave the message.. there is no much movement and no disruptions at all.. I'm glad that Wee Seng's had delievered the message so well and faithful that some of the people there had actually started thinking.. in fact Wenfeng had even started asking questions. I'm glad because I know that God is at work in the back scene... he is merciful to save..

i'm so impressed by wee seng.. he can really catch the people's attention... and his message is short.. but impactful.. not dry.. with a bit of humor.. Most importantly, i feel that the message is faithful to the gospel. Hence, i decide to do a short write out of his message.

So what's good about Good Friday? this is the title...

- some of us here may know what is Good Friday about.. it about a death of a person known as Jesus Christ. If some had watched the 'Passion of Christ', you will know that the death of this Jesus is not something good.
- Jesus was being crucified. You may not know.. but the process of crucification is an extreme of pain and shame - a criminal to be crucified will be flogged first.. scorned by the soldiers, then they had to carried the cross and parade the town, stuck naked, to be humiliated by all ppl.
- On reaching the execution ground, the criminal will be nailed to the cross.. at the wrists and the ankles... where the joints are. This is immense pain and agony, because being nailed in this way, every breath that the person take, the whole body will be in intense pain... and this will continue until the person's lung collapse and he was suffocated to death.
- The death of Jesus, an innocent man, is of such pain and shame... surely this is not good.. that why is good friday good?
- Good friday is good because of the reason Jesus died. (1) Jesus died for our sins (2) Jesus died so that we can relate to God.

(1) Jesus died for our sins.
- I had no doubt that all of you here are very lovely ppl... if i ask you to write down 20 names of the ppl u loved, u will have no problem... " how can i be a sinner?"
- Sinner is not one that is always capable of doing bad, and not be able to do good at all.. Rather sinner is one that cannot do good all the time..
- yes.. u loved.. but u hated too... some u may even wish that u had the guts to kill.. Bible states that we all sinned, and that God's wrath is upon us.
- in the eye of God, there is no diff btw small sins and big sins.. just like in facing the tsunami, there is no diff btw a good swimer and bad swimer... All died.
- Hence, Jesus's death on the cross is to pay the price of our sins - death.

(2) Jesus died so that we can relate to God
- imagine a child who is well versed in all areas of his studies, good in all kinds of sport, and is a boy well-liked by all ppl. But when he came home... he talks nothing to his mum and dad at all... he treated them invisible.. disregard their existence... What kind of child is he?
- well we are like him... we had disregarded the existence of the God that had created us... that had provided us the land and plants and animails and water... we had treated him invisible... This is not the right r'ship w God!
- Jesus died so that we can have a right r'ship w God.. so that we may know his love... and be thankful for him...

I wanna to be wiser...

i went to my Milton's (my cousin) house to stay last night so that i can test my project over his IPv6 network... and well... =) I managed to get it working before midnight... so we spent the rest of the night talking..

It was through the chit-chatting that i realised that i do not know a lot of things... compared to him.. i am like one flower that was well taken care of in an incubator.. never had faced any difficulties in life.. weak and 'girl'... whine a lot in a little stress... cried a lot upon a slight fall...

Worse.. i do not know what i want... i wish i know.. but i really can't decide... i do not know what kind of job i would like to have.. i do not know what am i capable of... i just know that i do not know a lot of things... and i wish i can be wiser.. in knowledge and of life.. and God.

My mind can't think the way he think.. my mind can't think the way Charmain's thinks.. my mind can't think the way Yong jie's think.. my mind can't think the way ann's think.. so how my mind thinks...? right now.. i'm really not very sure.. what i'm thinking now is FYP... robotics lab.. com vision lab... and the Book of Mark... and.. ........ ..

sigh.. i wish i can be wiser... i wish i can think more ... and am more confident in doing things that the mind think...

Around the Round table...

went to my uncle's funeral this evening... it was quite funny to sit around and talk to the different elderlys there... Thanks God that Milton was there.. he could God-talk better than me...
I can speak of anything but God to them..

It is funny to see the different thinking of the older generation ppl:
- mum said that she is a free thinker.. when she actually prayed and believed in the whatsoever buddha...
- dad is a worshipper of money..
- auntie said that she became open-minded after touring around the world... when actually she still can't accept Christians..
- another auntie (whom i dunno) believe strongly that the fate is in our hands..
- the above auntie's husband was impressed with what he had and has... kept telling us his glorious past and his wonderful son-in-law because he wanted us to be impressed too...
- Milton was there to point out the problem in their thinking subtly... He also pointed out that the Chinese during the early dynasty actually worship one God... and that Chinese was from the line of Japheth (Noah's son)... i dunno whether is that true or not.. i just listen lorz..

Though, the gospel is only being subtly mentioned... and though the whole conversation is quite post-modernised... I still really hope that it will challenge some of their thoughts... and that God may have mercy on them..

.. how i wish i can know how to speak of Christ without so much considerations...

Devastating news do not come alone...

Yesterday... i received news that my friend committed sucide... (look at yesterday's entry)
today.. another of my friend is admitted to hospital due to depression..
And my uncle passed away... when i had intended to visit him tomorrow...

I am devastated...